Monday, February 20, 2012

Hot Water Massage ?

Elusive Hot Showers & Other Watery Issues!!

Goes in, goes out, goes in, goes out!! It’s almost an hour and the house keeping guy is still trying to figure out what’s wrong with my bathroom shower!! It still trickles like a baby pee – not the rain shower I want!! And they don’t have a spare room to shift!! All this for a proper hot shower.

Well, I hate showers that have all the force and grit of a miserable drizzle. Yet, they seem to be the omnipresent thing, everywhere I go including my current room of misery in my supposedly ‘ubercool’ boutique hotel.

Are all the other people in the world afraid of water or something? What is with this glum dribble? (And don't start in with me about that "water shortage – save water” eco mantra, I am a ecoactivist myself but it's the middle of an extended freakin' cold country, here. Besides, this hotel doesn’t have buckets either!!) Heck, at some places I have been, where it rains more than it does here, you could get a better rinsing off standing outside in the rains than waiting for your hot shower to work.

You see there are two things I really want in a shower (well aside from a non-skid bath floor, branded toiletries and the occasional sexual fantasy): lots of very hot water and enough ‘massage’ pressure to force the shampoo out of my hair and the stinging pain out of my back. Is this a lot to ask? Apparently Yes.

I was in a hotel room in Singapore and there was a note on the bathroom mirror informing me that this room was supplied with low-consumption fixtures for my convenience. Whose convenience? Excuse me, but I do not find it convenient to wander about with my hair and skin sticky from an over moisturized soap I can't rinse out. Now, Singapore is mostly a well-manicured, sanitized city and is constantly whining about how they don't have enough water (and at the moment, enough electricity) and, despite the fact that I think the place is more full of pessimism than an overflowing septic tank, I'll grant them the smugness (sort of).

But, why is almost every other hotel I go full of showers that mostly spit, instead of spray? Do worn out travelers like to be sprinkled upon? I want the water to shoot (Hey, none of that, now, you dirty minds!)

This just ticks me off. If the problem is indeed the water supply, then send it though a smaller pipe. Even as kids we noticed that putting your thumb over the end of the garden hose made the water shoot out more forcefully. Put a figurative finger over the flippin' pipe and get me some be-damned pressure!

Even my club has showers which drool morbidly onto one's head (either they are apparently designed with very, very tall people in mind, the shower heads being a good 2.5 meters off the floor or the guy who designed it was on drugs).

Luckily, there is one place I can get a decent shower and, ironically enough, it's at my rickety Gym. Gyms are not noted for having great showers. Usually they are dark, dirty & cold and have limited hot water at very limited pressure. I mean, who really cares about a bunch of obese souls or transient body builders, right? But I got lucky. My Gym showers, though a bit dim, have plenty of hot water and it comes out of tiny shower heads at an adjustable pressure. Fantastic.

Not everyone is like me, I know, in that desire to have little hot water needles pounded into their flesh, so they can adjust the spray as they see fit, but me, I've got the thing adjusted to the hardest setting I can get and the hottest water I can stand (which is pretty hot). Boiling Egg temperature, you could say! When I step out of the shower, I want my skin to whine and steam, utterly clean and shrimp-pink. None of this apathetic oozing and mincing about, quivering. Blah!

A cold shower is nice in the summer (and necessary under certain conditions), but it's not in my fetish-collection. Maybe that's the problem: maybe people are just becoming too wimpy and too peculiar. Could it be that my fellow friends are actually in favor of this “no pressure’ deviation? Or maybe they even like it - along with squashy, over-soft mattresses? Ugh! I may have to declare myself a member of a separate nation: the land of hot showers, soft but firm beds, weird movies and lotsa shiny, happy people!.

When did we all become a world of green tea-sippin', wellness-spoutin' dribblers who can't even operate their mobile phones? I'm disgusted. In fact, I might have get the hell out of here, hit my gym, beat up on something for a while and then take a power packed massage shower. A hot one, that is!!

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