Its the Last December of this Decade

I Know Things that Google Doesn't

Every December brings dread and uncertainty. Even though its the busiest time for me work-wise, its also the time when Murphy's law takes an entirely new dimension in my life. No matter how much I plan and prepare for the worst, I get bogged down with problems of all kinds - work, family, health, weather, money and even matters of the heart and mind. Sometimes, I feel like a victorious but battered Hercules by the time the New Year dawns.

This December is singularly unique. It's the last December of this decade. Did you even think about it? And this got me thinking about the last 10 years of my life. My age especially. I am into prime adulthood now, and while I've been blessed with good genes and a youthful appearance (I think), I have done my share of coping with aging and all those weighty issues that come up in the process. Like watching my body change and trying to hold back the visual signs with lazy exercise and bad diets. Suddenly, you start noticing everyone around you is fitter and younger than you. And damn, those awful grey hairs. 

I discovered grey hairs when I wasn't even 30 yet. I don't think I need to expand on the horror of making that discovery, now do I?  So, after I mentally sobbed for a while, ate a dozen jelly beans, and wondered if I were going to have to start dying my hairs, I just calmly plucked those grey ones right out and decided not to worry about it. That was many years ago but now, it's an impractical solution unless I intend to go bald in a painful way. 

This winter, my thirty-something friend's 26 years old pretty cousin came to stay with her. A model in the making, she seemed obsessed with her body. While anyone would admire her young, gazelle-like body, shapely limbs, and svelte hour-glass figure, we would listen to her bemoan the agonies of her new adulthood. She would rue her back was too broad, her legs too short, her teeth too big, her ass too flat. We assured her that she looked lovely and she was simply overreacting but to no avail. 

Then, my friend and I jointly recalled how utterly confusing it was to navigate the new and harsh realities of adulthood, and we instantly knew there's no way we can alleviate her cousin's pain. She's going to have to go through what I call the "horrible 20's" and figure it out for herself. 

I've come to understand that twenty-something adversity, as annoying as this may sound, is actually good for us. It's how we deal with it that determines our future character. I can only hope she has the resources and the dexterity to come through it all and end up in a good place - physically, mentally and sexually.

Speaking of sex, adulthood has its remarkable charms too. Not to sound too self-flattering, the 30s can also be adventurous. How else would you define being pursued by young women in their 20's and 30's? While I've long ridiculed the shallow puerile carnal fantasies of virile young women connecting with an older "wise man", I sometimes have found myself drawn to these younger women's zest for life and impressed with their intellect, warmth, and ambition.

My friends envy me, especially those younger than me but no matter, how you look at it, there's a stark reality to it. After a couple of days, weeks or months, uncustomarily filled with various encounters with these young women, you are inevitably, again reminded of the dark painful issues that make their existence known, and the often mediocre sex that fills the 20's and the boasted quantity of sex rather than quality. With a few exceptions, of course!

Maybe now when I feel impatient with the baggage that the term "wise man" brings relevance to my life, it'll be tempered with knowing that those young women are no less burdened themselves. Rather, they're simply in the stage of cultivating that baggage, and a whole lot more confused about it too!

So what does all this mean to me (and maybe to you too)? It means that I have a new appreciation of the innate balance of life and where I've arrived at this current age. When my jealous young friends of the google generation express their bemusement over me getting hit on by more women than they get, I console them that I can but never regain the beauty of youth that they enjoy now. Black hair for example.

There's still a silver lining and a distinct advantage that I don't tell them. That I now have a richer kind of life experience, knowledge and wisdom they don't and cannot possibly yet possess. If their envy is indeed true, my desirability probably comes from the confidence I exude. And isn't it nice to know that they also have to earn it? That they have to do the hard work of self-challenge, self-growth, and persistent optimism that this kind of desirability requires. And also be prepared to weather the adversarial surprises adult life is certain to throw their way too?

So, this December, I feel less dread and actually positive. Maybe, it means that I am better equipped with more awareness and insights I have earned this decade. Maybe these nuggets of sagacity borne of life and observation have made me more adept in navigating the uncertainties of adult life, my migraines and a tiny bit closer to welcoming the new year with grace and acceptance. Maybe one day I'll even be able to hear the term "wise man" without cynicism -and then again, maybe not!! So, do a little introspection and make this last December, worth enough to remember. 

But Why?

Searching for answers for questions that have no answers 

My aunt died. She was just 57 years old. She was asthmatic but definitely hale and healthy. An active lady devoted to charity and social causes or engrossed with her grandchildren. The day before she suddenly died, she spoke to me over the phone. To me, she sounded fit and happy and yet, the next unfortunate morning, I get to know she's dead. She was gone, rather inexplicably. 

And this week, a 'talented' friend of mine who lives in Seattle lost his job. Again. This was his third attempt at full-time employment since January. His wife deserted him last year and filed for a successful divorce. Poor chap, he can't even afford the alimony. If you ask me, he is really a "nice guy" deserving of a great job and a good wife or at least a girlfriend, but he ain't lucky. 

Constant unfortunate episodes like these, including my own personal misfortunes, makes me often wonder why do these bad things happen? Many folks think I am lucky and I shouldn't be greedy for more. Maybe I am but I still don’t really understand the concept of luck and how much is dished out to whom and why? If you believe in god and fate, you also believe that a person’s life is already planned out and everything happens for a reason. God's reason, apparently or blame it on the stars, your parents, your ex or your last life... How convenient?

I don't get it. I don’t understand how or why certain people are lucky than others and how some are also more extra happy than others. And why some people seem forsaken all the time, wallowing in perpetual suffering all through their sad lives. And why some die so soon while others live as if forever. It's truly illogical. 

I know that no one has a perfect life, and bad things happen to everyone, but something that seems bad and terrible to one person could just be all right to another. One person's job loss opens up a new opportunity for another. Even your ex, the person who caused you so much sadness will paradoxically bring so much joy to his or her new suitor. Or one woman could have a bad boyfriend or a bad husband problem but another woman, typically single though actively looking would probably think, "she’s lucky to even have a boyfriend", and the awful problem for the other woman would seem so completely trivial for her. Strangely right?

Or think why are some people blessed with awesome lives, while others experience one bad turn after another? Some say, "God doesn’t give you more than you can handle." I don’t really believe in God but the statement makes me question why do some people have to be constantly pushed to the edge and struggle hard to where they are or will be pushed over the cliff? 

Take the case of a poor kid I know who died last month. Why did that 13-year-old boy have to die of cancer? Why did his life have to be so short? Why was this kid born into poverty, struggled to escape, but never quite made it? I don’t understand. Throughout the 13 years of this kid’s life, was it always set up that he would die, and everything he would achieve and all his dreams were meant to disappear? Like, he was always going to die at 13 and it was going to happen no matter what. Unlucky 13? 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason, but I am constantly pondering and seeking answers as to why they still happen? Especially, why so many people, particularly kids and young adults who die too young, It's almost like the daily news. 

Today, I read about a 20 something black artist who died of a drug overdose. Whether it was intentional or accidental, no one will ever know but everyone will still make their own conclusions. Racial prejudice will do its part while some will find a noble purpose because it can make people rethink about drugs, and then hopefully change them for good. That could save a person’s life. But if you knew the person who died, you would constantly ask yourself, “Why her? Why did she have to die? Was that a planned out suicide or was that an unexpected move? 

Misery and pain can make make a person stronger, but other times it will only end up driving them into a deep abyss. Face it, some of us have pretty decent lives. Pretty happy, and sometimes pretty damn good. But many others live a shitty and painful life that never really breaks its vicious cycle, and with a sudden good moment, they die or they suffer into sad obscurity. I wonder if it’s all in their cards. 

Why do some people live that way, while others live pretty happily? Why can’t some people ever really be happy, and why do so many people experience so much pain and so much grief? Why the heartbreak? Why divorce? Why suicide? Why die? Why the problems that keep the unfortunate souls up at night? The whys' are endles...

No matter how bad one's situation is, or how shitty your life really is, there is always someone worse off than you, and why does it have to be that way? Is their miserable existence our consolation? To compare and feel better? I don't know. It's already more than a week since my aunt died. Life goes on but I still have so many questions that will never be answered. Why? Just why?

Changing You, Changing Times

Time is a Dressmaker specializing in Alterations. 

“Growing Up” or “Growing Old” is a perpetual phase of our lives. Not just the physical old, I am talking about the mental-emotional part of us that is always evolving. Whether its growing old into decay or gaining wisdom is a matter of perspective. 

I remember how, one day (when I was probably 10 years old), I was playing my favorite game - cops and robbers with my school friends, oblivious as only a child's mind can be and then the next day surprisingly, I felt a subtle wave of "self" consciousness about even wanting to play such a childish game, which until the previous day was my favorite way to spend my playtime. 

It was the beginning of innocence lost. Video games had arrived in my life and I was no longer sure to be the cop with a toy gun chasing robbers. My ambitions had also changed overnight. I didn’t want to be Dirty “Clint Eastwood “ Harry anymore, I wanted to be the android “Bishop” from Aliens or at least a Cosmonaut aboard a USSR space ship. Don’t ask me why! 

I was "growing up." I found myself confused and emotionally afraid - one moment trying to find out who I was and who I should be and the next back in the playground squealing with my friends on the swing set and acting like a little "kid" again - then feeling the guilt of being found out - that someone would see me and think I was acting like a baby for wanting those simple, innocent pleasures of childhood, yet, I was unsure. 

Since that day, this “self” consciousness has been an unseen driver of my life – driving my needs, my wants, my likes and dislikes, my career and my ambitions too. All of us go through this phase, when for some unknown reason, the mind shifts into a formerly unknown gear that makes us "want" to be noticed... accepted... appreciated... at school, at the university, at work, with friends, with peers and also in the family, in a relationship, in a marriage… and we find ourselves shaping all that we do in order to "fit the mold" that is expected of us so we can be assured of being noticed... accepted... appreciated. 

This is a never-ending dilemma, something we face every single moment we live. And, of course, we all go through this... it is, after all, growing up. It is moving into another stage, in fits and starts, into maturity. 

We do this all our lives. But because we see ourselves in a certain way, we think we are always going to be the same. But we are never the same. Our "self" clings to whoever we are in a particular moment... but then each moment that "self" dies and a new "self" emerges. There is really no then and now and later... there is only now, ever flowing and ever-changing. We are not today who we were 10 years ago, or even yesterday, or even a moment past. It only seems to us that life changes suddenly, or that we go through "stages," because we are not aware of our moment to moment ever-flowing, ever-changing being. 

Sometimes, we try to cling to the current moment. We think that our lives should be this way or that way and once we determine what it is we think we should be or have in life, we cling to it; we desperately try to hold on to it but of course, we cannot, because every moment we are moving on through life. Like the funny quote, people change, love hurts, friends leave but life goes on.

This troubles us. We choose a goal and work towards it. Or we decide that our lives should be a certain way. We begin to resent the fact that our lives just keep moving on, and even though we work hard to get what we have decided we want, there are just too many interruptions from family, friends, job, responsibilities... and yet we cling to what we have imagined should be our lives... what we have decided we deserve. 

Why are we not our old selves? Why are we not the carefree child anymore? Why do we feel we have lost our capacity for pleasure or satisfaction? Why must we suddenly feel we have to choose between this and that? Could it be because we have convinced ourselves that in order to be carefree, we must be free from the stress and pressures and demands of work and family life? Have we decided we can’t reclaim our lives because we have to sacrifice so much of ourselves? 

The answer is so simple that we cannot see it. In fact, we are not 10 years old anymore. We have changed. Not because we are 30-something. We have simply and inexorably changed and will continue to change in whatever mental and emotional direction we choose. We cannot live in the past and regret.

Of course, you may not really care to be 10 years old again. But hey, if you want to play cops and robbers again, play cops and robbers. If you want to be Dirty Harry, be Dirty Harry. I know, it sounds silly, yet, you can still live your life the way you want, even in the new "changed" circumstances. Do whatever makes you happy instead of fighting time.

Life is not that bad and age is, after all, a number. Love your current "You" and remember, the world hates change (just as you probably hate too) but its what that has brought progress. Aint that the sweet truth?

Romance for Dummies

There is no love, when there is no romance

I often get asked why I write about love and romance. Does it not scare me? Or am I really so desperate to be loved? The words love and romance scares many people. It’s true, and matter of fact sometimes scares me too. Often, it conjures up thoughts of having to dramatically change yourself into someone else, to metamorphose into a new being and most of all, to feel appreciated and accepted.

In reality, romance and love are merely a life enhancement, not a real change. You can love someone without romance but without romance, the love fades away. It is the art of awareness and an awakening of the importance in your life of those you love. It is a reflection of the heart, and of the mind, a way to find something meaningful through shared experiences with someone else. 

Romance is also truly the way to a person’s heart and beyond. We all want and need to feel loved. It is the core of our existence to feel that we are important to someone, that we matter. Romance is not a college course, as it requires no degree. It quite simply entails getting in touch with your own heart then touching another's. 

It has been said that if you follow your heart, you will never go wrong, but how many of us actually open that part of ourselves that is the heart? We think we do. We tell ourselves we do. But do we really? We pretend at best, bad actors doing bad acting or feel intimidated. More often, we block than open up, confuse than confide, doubt than trust and to make it worse, we fight, we battle, we go to war. 

To make romance and not war is the challenge. It’s not really a difficult path really. We can enrich the relationships we are currently in, or those of the future, by bringing into our relationships a greater awareness of what is really important, communicating with clarity and adding a little imagination in our love. Take, for instance, the word ‘romantic interlude’. It sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? The mind immediately conjures up all sorts of settings from tropical islands to medieval castles. Everything from mellow moonlit nights and sensual candlelight dinners to clandestine makeouts in the car parking. So, in essence, romance is all in the mind, and the only way to get to it is by unlocking the imagination, by opening the heart, and expressing what is inside. 

Whether you are single, engaged, in a relationship, married a short time, or a long time, romance is important to maintaining strong love and lasting robust relationship. It’s the glue that connects. The possibilities of love are endless, limited only by that willingness to follow the heart as far as it will take you. 

If today was to be your last day of life, what would you have at the top of your list of things you would miss the most? Gone would be the money and material goals, for they, like life, are short-lived. What would you want to be remembered for? The possessions you attained? The success you were in your career? Personally, I would much rather be remembered that I truly loved and was loved. This is not to say we must sacrifice one for the other. It is merely a position of the importance of the things in our lives. 

In these sad times of short-lived marriages and even shorter relationships, there is always a great deal of fear, suspicion, mistrust, and insecurities. So we must aspire a return to romance in our lives and open ourselves to romantic notions, even if we are already in love. This will help restore the value of giving that little extra to our love lives that enriches and touches deeper into our hearts and melds into our minds.

Not only will you improve the life of the one you love, but you'll also improve your own as well. By giving someone the key that opens the treasure chest of who we are and what we feel, we can create a map to that treasure, follow it, or follow your heart, for romance is merely a way of expressing love, and that is the greatest treasure of all. 

If nothing else, you’ll realize life is a wonderful journey that can be enriched through romance, love and a little imagination. So, take that moment, that chance, and explore some wonderful ways to enrich your life, and your relationship. And I hope you find a smile, an opportunity, or just a deep sigh that signals the beginning of something more. Good luck! Happy romancing! 

Hunting Treasures on the Internet Highway

Finding love in the cyber universe and other little things 

Last night, I watched the 1998 hit “You’ve Got Mail” starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks on the telly. Directed by Nora Ephron, it’s a bittersweet romantic comedy about two harried souls, who aren't aware of the fact that they already know each other on the earthly plane of the real world, but find each other in an online chat room under anonymous screen names and slowly develop a robust relationship. 

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I won’t spoil it any more of what happens next. It’s ironic though that this sugary story of computer love that transcends into real life still resonates with relevance, even in 2019. After all, all they do is predominantly chat throughout the movie. And despite being bitter enemies in the physical world, they proceed to virtually fall in love. You might think, how? With what and with whom are they falling in love? Thoughts? Passions? Humor? Fantasies? Hope? Or the person itself? 

Like old-fashioned love letters, you’ll have to admit; an incredible thing happens when two people simply correspond in writing. The brain feels liberated, unhindered by the bodies automatic social responses that occur when people communicate face to face. There’s nothing to worry about - how you look, how your voice sounds, whether you are black or white, what gods you follow; there are no judgments and if all goes well, no inhibitions later. There is just the mind working to be understood in a pure realm of trust and communication and opening up to a receptive soul. And soon it becomes much more than just an anonymous chat. 

In the real world, when we meet someone very attractive, we are pulled to them instantly. When the physical attraction is strong, it simply overpowers and takes priority over everything else. Then, it soon fades into oblivion. Lust over reason so to speak, confused for love rather than listening, understanding and accepting. But in the virtual space, you may not fully understand the other person chatting with you but you do have to listen. And vice versa. And by actually listening, you open up to a lot of understanding and that is the wonderful beauty of this exercise.

Of course, in these days of online perverts, sly scammers and dangerous stalkers, you’ll have to be very careful who you are interacting with. And many would tell you that people lie in the online worlds. I have had to endure the concerns of those who believe I'm out of my mind or simply that they are more cautious than me. "They could be lying about who they are!" I've been told. As if to say people you meet in person never lie about who they are? Oh, here's another one, "Anyone who has to put a personal profile on the Internet must be a real loser" or “simply wants to just get laid tonight”. 

Would you call someone who can type at least 100 words a minute, has the intelligence and literal eloquence to communicate his or her innermost thoughts and feelings, and has the self-confidence, focus, and motivation to actually do it - a loser? And why go through this elaborate ritual for sex when sex is now so readily available, free and cheap. 

Well, meeting someone in the flesh can be far more deceptive and dangerous these days than getting to know someone from afar. We humans are slaves to our senses first and to our hearts second. Remove all of the armour and the sensual desires and we are left with consciousness and communication in their purest forms. 

Thus, I highly recommend the Internet for your next romantic interlude. Of course it helps to know what you are looking for ahead of time. The most important thing when looking for your soul mate is to know exactly who you are. If possible, I suggest you sit down and make a list of everything you know to be true about yourself - down to the last detail, positive and negative and everything in between. Be completely honest. Then write down every detail about the person of your dreams, but that doesn’t mean you ponder up the Dead Pool or the Wonder Woman. 

There have been periods in my life where I have thought hard about the perfect woman I wanted in my life - if at all that was possible. I had a mental image of her down to the last detail - her face, her work, her body, her personality - everything. Obviously, the conventional methods of meeting a woman held no water with me. Did I really believe that the woman of my dreams could be living in the same city I was in or somewhere far off, 1000s of miles away? 

And my online profile too had to stand out. I want the woman to think that here is a man astute enough to know that his profile is just casual enough to make him not appear needy, and just alluring enough to attract a smart woman who knows the difference, or that he is just being honest. Either way I couldn't lose, could I? I’ll be truthful, all completely legitimate notions there trying to attract the best mate possible. 

If you cross this stage, understand that the person of your dreams may still not be ready for you in your present state, especially if you have plenty of emotional baggage. So you have to be insightful and objective enough to realize that you’ll have to shed the excess kilos, be willing to wait and also find someone who is willing to take their chances with you patiently. Patience is scarce you see. 

Typically, we choose only the people we are ready to be with. Every person in our life that we chose before finding the final “Chosen One” - was there because of either unavoidable circumstances or life wanted to teach you a particular lesson at that time. Our needs and wants change. Sometimes, we want to be drowned in affection so we would choose a needy, insecure soul who would smother us with affection. Then, we may want to go to the opposite extreme, pretending we could be with someone who loved you but let you be like a free bird. 

At any given time, we all have an image in our mind of the features that we consider attractive or desirable in the person we seek. As we grow older and possibly wiser, these requirements turn to virtues and traits we pursue and it goes much more than just looks. It’s as if, we have found a new realization dawning on us. 

On the Internet, deception is possible but unnecessary and obsolete because only we know who we are and what we need. Don't be a crafty jerk. Unlike the anonymity of the "You've Got Mail" era, we now have authentic power, the power to search the cyber cosmos incognito to find what we seek so what’s the point in faking an artificial persona? After all, we are looking for love and companionship, so why fake it. 

In the end, finding someone who loves and appreciates you is no easy task on the internet but remember, you’ll be astounded at how the cyberverse can sometimes throw an irresistible surprise at you, who would blow you off your feet and turn your life upside down. And what can happen next could be an incredible exchange of deep thoughts and crazy ideas; of all your hopes and dismal fears; of incisive messages and risqué gifs; of long emails and anticipated notifications, and of course, of carnal lusts and bodily desires. In essence, an emotional outpouring of the souls between two strangers on opposite ends of the city or far corner of the planet, depending where you find your match. A friend, a lover, a mate, a spouse...only time can tell. 

So, my fellow wanderers, start your engines and drive into the vast internet highway and take your chances. And you just might find the treasure to treasure for the rest of your life. Just dont forget to wear your seatbelt though. 

Relish the Past, Welcome the Future

Remember, the past is always tense, the future perfect 

This week, I was a reluctant invitee to a glitzy Christmas party - a glorified gathering less of friends and more of snobbish acquaintances - dressed in fancy clothes, indulging in fine spirits and ‘artisanal world cuisine’ whatever that actually means. Having arrived directly from my office, I was not only late but also clearly out of place - standing out from the crowd with my disheveled hair, a wrinkled cotton shirt, and crumpled khakis. 

Seeing me obviously lost, my gracious host welcomed me, consciously ignoring my faux paus and tried her best to make me feel at home. So, with a blue cocktail in hand, I mingled a bit -meeting immaculately dressed strangers, making small talk and chit chat until I found a vantage spot to sit with a boisterous Australian middle-aged couple for friendly banter. 

Let me admit, the party was not bad. after all. The décor was flamboyant yet amazing, the floating grilled starters were delicious and the fizzy drinks concocted with consistency although a little too fruity for my taste. If there was something lacking, it was the sugary retro music from the 60s and 70s with a smattering of hits from the 80s and 90s. I wouldn’t normally complain under normal circumstances but the music was a mismatch for the splendorous aura the party was trying to create. 

Listening to some of the music, reminded me of my childhood (Lionel Ritchie, Inxs, Steve Winwood, Pet Shop Boys, a little George Michael and Phil Collins for good measure too) but the rest of it was the sort of soul music my parents sometimes listened to and for a while at least the nostalgia was comforting. But, then, gradually as one aging track faded slowly into the next, it began to dawn on me that I actually wished I was somewhere else entirely. The nostalgia, you see, had run its course and I found myself, as that realization took hold, feeling suddenly wanting and hungry - to listen to current radio hits, anxious for the here, for the now, for the present. Foster the People, Cold Play and even Martin Garrix came to mind but no more Simon & Garfunkel, please. 

Think about it, funny how this struggle often occurs within each of us. Sometimes, longing for what was, faced with what is (and occasionally overcome by dreams of what's next) and sometimes, just longing for the present, for the moment. It's not so unusual really but just illustrates for some of us the motivations behind how we choose to live our lives. 

Looking back isn't such a bad thing and as my Christmas party experience points out - often offers comfort, nostalgia, and a way to stay connected with who we are and where we came from. The danger, however, is in never learning how to move beyond the then, the then of the past. How many of you have known (or know) people like that? The ones who can't ever get over whatever it is they're so connected to, running from, or longing for? Be it work, relationships, family... Sometimes, I think I am one of them. Maybe you are also one of those people, or maybe you just pity and feel sorry for them. 

And, why is it that some of us are able to appreciate our yesterdays, no matter how bad and still move forward. How are some of us able to cull the good from the bad, and thrive in the here and the now? How do we move beyond the then? In truth, who can really say. If I were to attempt an answer of any kind it would be simply that some of us want nothing more than to live. And by live, I mean so much more than life. 

And then, there are those of us for whom life offers so much that we scarcely know where to start – so much excitement, so much exploration, so much energy, so much passion, and so many opportunities. Thus, how can we possibly afford to waste too much time reveling in (or complaining about) the past when there is so much now and so much to look forward in the future.

I guess there are no right or wrong answers but I think our experiences and memories (both good and bad) and our circumstances drive our primary motivations. Very few of us are smart enough to make conscious choices or analytically study the path we choose to explore. Food for thought right? When I look back now, it's amusing how a piece of party music that evening lead me to these complex life-centric questions and surprisingly - ridiculously simple (and probable) answers. 

Lastly, as this is most likely the last blog post of 2018, let me add that this Blog for me (as its curator) - is a labor of opinions, ideas, and passion for web wanderers like you. A little ezine curating the best I can find on the web juxtaposed with my thoughts that I have attempted to keep alive over the years. It’s my creative outlet, my solace, and my escape when nothing else can be and, if I can't do it right, it isn't worth doing at all but I reassure you, I won’t kill it as many of you think I would. And believe me, I do read all your comments (even though I don’t publish them) so don’t stop sending your comments and emails. 

And with that, I won't say anything more other than I trust you'll enjoy the New Year ahead  with postivity as much as you nostalgically savor and relish the year that just went past by and all the ones before it. As the existentialist Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said, our life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Aloha and wishing you a happy 2019 with lotsa fun, joy and success!

x

The Mad Pursuit of Happiness and Contentment

Finding Happiness needn't be that hard, after all 

It is rather ironic, that I would choose the above title for this blog post. In fact, I've had this title lingering idly on my laptop with vague views of how to title this post for a number of weeks now. Russia had such a happy effect on me but paradoxically, of late, that much needed happiness - for me - has seemed to be or become somewhat elusive again. Just like failing to post any new blogs the last few weeks after the new found rush I rediscovered in October.

The Dalai Lama wants us to believe that happiness is more than a state of mind and that it is a way of life, and so on. Of course, he mostly linked it with religion and spiritualism. For me, I have no such notions about gods or religions or getting karmic illuminations leading to divine joys. There might be a heaven and there might be a god too but like my greasy kebabs, I want my happiness, right here on earth, not in heaven after I die. 

Happiness, it seems such a simple thing but how often many of us struggle trying to desperately find it in our lives – both personally and professionally. And, often we fail to realize how tied we are to the conditioned views of happiness being so entangled and reliant on upon the close relationships we make with others around us – our loved ones, our parents, our friends, our colleagues…this list can be perennially extending based on how we perceive how important these connections matter to our happiness. 

While on the surface this may seem accurate, I have come to realize that it’s a mad pursuit when in fact, it's definitely not how you achieve a persistent state of sustained happiness. But, rather happiness and fulfillment in my opinion (based on my own costly experiences), is a combination of multiple wisdoms or realizations (and I shall borrow from the Dalai Lama again) of worldly satisfaction, wealth (and we're not just talking about the money alone), spirituality and eventual enlightenment to look beyond your flaws. And when I say spirituality I am referring to realize and analyze oneself, not necessarily getting religious. 

While all these critical elements are essential factors in the quest for happiness - it is how those factors are deployed and the state of mind of the individual wielding them that will determine whether or not a contented and satisfying life can be enjoyed. You can become a happiness magnet only when you employ these correctly. After all, ultimately, we are each responsible for our own contentment and the personal mindset how we level upon the world is the cornerstone of whether we fail or succeed in this pursuit. 

Some of you may wonder what does any of this have to do with an erratic blog like this one? Actually, a great deal. Maintaining and writing this blog brings me, much personal happiness. It is one of the many escape mechanisms I employ (besides my work, my music, and my photography) to find fulfillment when other options fail. And, while this blog may not be anyone's baby but mine, it does make me happy. And thus, that happiness eventually, I like to think - carries over to those around me and those living in the far-flung corners of the world reading this blog. 

And as you may have noticed, it would seem that I've managed to momentarily zig-zag my way back to a point as I so often do, where I can now safely say a few words about why I am still telling you all this. 

Well, much in my life today is in a state of continuous flux and I have no idea really where I might be a year from now or even a few months from now and if all my hallowed musings here on finding happiness and contentment will have amounted to anything at all. Nonetheless, there are some things I remain quite certain and hopeful of - and that is I will find my happiness wherever I may be or whatever I am doing at that time. You should too. And you should be hopeful. 

Hope is not a bitch, we simply give up sooner and just don’t try hard enough. May each of you find your happiness and whatever joys you seek. And as I read it somewhere, enjoy the pursuit to your happiness, as it just might be your greatest source of your happiness after all.

Are you a 21st Century Woman?

Taking Calculated Risks and Returning to the Basics

I had this rather challenging assignment to finish today. How does a new women-centric publishing company define an ideal 21st-century woman in its vision statement and even if it can, is it correct to generalize it? But what is the 21st century woman? Or rather, how does one perceive 21st-century womanhood? 

If you are a woman, perhaps the biggest paradox on the horizon is the new resurgence in feminism - abortion rights, #metoo activism, corporate equality, women safety, and much, more. While many would say "we've come a long way baby", yet, women continue to be bombarded by society's continuing entourage of conflicting and mostly self-defeating messages - thin is in, fat is all that, be sexy, be modest, burn your bra, be Barbie, don’t be Barbie, get fake boobs, please your man, be your own, be perfect, be natural, be independent, make a career, stay at home, have babies, raise your kids, let someone else do it, be promiscuous, stand up, fight back, tolerate - the list is endless and ever-changing. 

This is where the risk-taking comes in - you must define who you are and who you want to be, not what society expects you to. Sometimes what you want is going to go against the grain, sometimes you'll find yourself going with it. No matter the path you choose - it is your choice and yours alone and it always must be yours. But that doesn't mean that you don't need or want a little help along the way, or maybe just some acknowledgment and understanding as you wrestle with life's choices. If you are lucky enough, a good boyfriend, a supporting husband, loving parents, helpful siblings, caring friends, all can make this journey a less complex. 

However, ultimately, life is what we make of it and when it all just seems a little too overwhelming, that's when it's time to remember that it doesn't have to be tough, that it doesn't have to be complicated, that really what it all boils down to is quite basic. 

The basics are this: Nothing much has changed - our societal values and beliefs may fluctuate over time, but the basic instincts, responses, drives and motivations of people - of men and women - remain the same - and no one can truly argue that. We all are creatures of needs, worldly wants, and vain desires - things sexual, instinctual, and even cerebral. But, whether you tout the moral majority or the bra-burning 60's, or pick your battles somewhere in between - when it comes to matters of the flesh - in the end our hearts and bodies rule our heads, it just may take some folks longer to realize or accept that than others. 

So, if you consider yourself a 21st century woman, it's all about taking risks worth taking and returning to basics, but pragmatically. So that's where you stand, for those of you who know what you want out of life, from men, from women, from relationships, from careers, from marriage, from your heart, your mind, your selves – you are your own forum, your sounding board, your recreation, your "push" when you feel you need pushing. And it is the push that is actually the pivot point here - taking calculated risks and returning to basics of being a woman. Ah yes, there's nothing more fitting for the ever-changing 21st century woman no better than a good paradox.

Love is the Solution, Loving Yourself actually

Women, love the shit out of yourself! 

Feminism and women rights are all over the news lately. Credit Harvey Weinstein and the #MeToo movement. And it’s good. Finally, some real chatter on sexual harassment, healthy debates on gender discrimination and meaningful discussions on women empowerment but let’s face it, will it bring about real change? How long is the buzz going to last? The corporate world just sees this a good opportunity for free PR and the most of the mainstream media, shamelessly as ever, crass and voyeuristic. 

Unfortunately, expecting men to change is still a complicated work in slow progress. In my not so unpretentious opinion, I think women don’t need men to bring about this transformation. I doubt if the whole “menkind” will ever evolve to really respect womanhood. Maybe women should stop living in this vicious blame game and move on with a real new spin on the “change is good” philosophy. 

There’s always been a straightforward solution and it ain’t rocket science. Women must start loving themselves. It's really that simple. That’s the real cure. No opportunity to be used or abused! You don’t need anybody’s approval; you don’t have to ‘fit in’, simply learn to love yourself. 

If you are a woman, I know it sounds like something you'd already heard on some TV show. Now, before you twirl barefoot under falling cherry blossoms while remembering your womanly spirit, get real. Think of how many women and girls in your life who truly love themselves? Fact is, too many girls, young 20something – 30something women, and I'm sure quite a few mature women, DON'T love themselves. It is evident in their actions, the people they chose to be with, and the way they let those people treat them. 

So is it nature, nurture or just circumstances? I'm sure we can also chalk it up to chemical imbalance and pin it to low self-esteem. However, we are also affected by what society teaches us, no brainwashes us about love and who is loveable, about being a man and being a woman. The stereotyping never ends.

If you are one of those confused women, maybe you never really thought about it and never asked the million dollar question, "do I love myself?" 

Here are some tell-tale signs that you don't: 

a. You feel good about yourself only if you are in a romantic relationship. 

b. You don't accept that you are beautiful unless somebody tells you that you are. 

c. Your self-worth is based on acceptance by your boyfriend, husband, peers, your boss… 

d. And sometimes, you let this agony get even worse – like allowing yourself to be physically exploited and harmed, getting beaten up by your significant other even if the relationship has turned abusive, doing excessive drugs, unrestrained drinking…I could go on 

Maybe you don't need to be told this - you KNOW you HATE yourself and A through D are some of the reasons. Hold on! These are NOT reasons to hate yourself. Again, they are only symptoms. You are simply all these things because you DON’T love yourself. 

So how did you get so harrowingly low? It could be anything, from the fact that you were born in a dysfunctional family and your parents ignored you, to a traumatic personal episode you had in your life to the consumerist bombardment of thin, "make up heavy" models and fashion magazines that are a parody of life where only anorexic waifs and glamorous movie stars deserve love. Perhaps you were a loner at school with no friends, maybe you were poor watching all the rich, popular kids living fabulously. Or perhaps you were really the unfortunate unlucky one. 

Regardless of how you got here, how miserable your life has been so far, you've got to deal with it. Stop this victimhood and figure out a way to love get free and love yourself. This may be a long, hard journey but a journey of discovery none the less. Your eventual goal must be to truly understand, independently of the opinions of others, that you are a beautiful happy person. Then you'll be self-sufficient and confident, you'll love yourself, and you won't need anybody to love you back (that's just an added bonus). 

In order to get to this point, you have to start with a very simple affirmation - You are a good person. Its really a simple mind - body spirit kind of happy affirmation. Everybody can find one good thing about themselves. Think of as many lines you can to fill "I'm a good person because (fill in the blanks)" . Just start from there and the rest, will follow. Have Faith. 

If you have already started this journey, remember, you’ve still got a long way to go, but savour the progress you’ve made. Maybe, you hate a less little than yesterday and some days, you like yourself independently of what your colleagues or your boyfriend or your parents think. Become an influencer. Help your sisters out to rediscover themselves. Don't get caught with petty jealousy and catty politics. You're all in it together! Girls of the world, unite, love yourself and be happy!

Finding a Soul in a Soulless World

The death of Society is real but it needn't be the end

We live in a diffused, fractured society where we are trained to do whatever is necessary to succeed. Climbing the corporate ladder ranks higher than wrestling with the myriad moral and ethical questions that arise during that ascent. Maneuvering to get another's job or to win a treasured promotion is standard operating procedure among the upwardly mobile segments of the population. 

To rationalize this approach by citing family concerns, bills, survival, status, etc is to cleverly elevate the self while disregarding a greater responsibility to the moral fabric of the community. Young people maturing in such an amoral environment are vulnerable to the inherent contradictions and inconsistencies. The adult world practices a creed of avarice and acquisition ignoring the consequences of such blind depravity. Homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, poverty, racism, and general emotional despair decorate a nation intent on propagating spiritual negligence. 

Are there no opportunities for those persons endowed with conscience? Must an individual, in order to feed himself and his family, sell himself to whichever godless corporation that will take him? Why must the truly compassionate be forced off the mainstream into low-paying jobs with non-profit organizations? Why do we raise our children to submit to the soulless 9-to-6 rat race mentality? 

Are we so lacking in moral conviction, imagination, and inspiration that we do not demand alternatives? Are we so frozen in fear of authority, of challenging the status quo, of the risk of losing our financial stability that we willingly aid and abet the spiritually bankrupt nature of the job market? 

Why do we not take a stand against greed, corruption, ruthlessness, insensitivity, and egocentric behavior ?. The human consciousness is so muddled and confused that the entire human race creates for itself problem after problem after problem. We were granted the privilege to populate a most beautiful and bountiful planet. The richness and diversity of both fauna and flora, the incandescent azure, aqua, ebony, sepia, emerald, ocher, magenta, scarlet, and amber, the luminous fragrance of a midnight moon or a sunny sea breeze, the kitten's soft, ticklish coat or icy snowflakes on a wintry afternoon, and the lions's roar of ocean surf crashing upon rocks or the buzzing bumblebee dancing from flower to flower comprise the sensual wonderland of our world. 

Instead of rejoicing together in this vast splendor and frolicking amongst ourselves in childlike purity, we choose to establish boundaries, to rape and pillage the planet and each other. Our history is one episode of domination after another with one society enslaving another or one culture suppressing another. Human beings have little interest in sharing and collaborating. Each seems driven to ennoble his own peculiar pettiness at the expense of others. If god is there, he must sometimes wonder why He allowed such lowly evolved creatures to ruin one of his most exquisite creations. 

We live in a society that determines a person's value based on his financial status and his willingness to conform to pre-set standards. Economic viability and conventionality rank higher than compassion, kindness, and tolerance. Those who strive for uniqueness and who tend to diverge from the mainstream find censure and ostracism as their reward. 

Since the vast majority of the population is without deep-rooted conviction, anyone exhibiting such conviction is viewed as a threat. If this individual also chooses a rather unconventional lifestyle, he is viewed not only as a weirdo eccentric but as a dangerous element that must be dealt with accordingly. 

Socrates drank hemlock; Martin Luther King ate lead. Society is most unforgiving when its arbitrary status quo is in jeopardy. A child will incur his parents' wrath if he adopts values that are incomprehensible to them. There is tremendous societal pressure to fit into a greedy, self-aggrandizing slot. 

To listen to one's conscience without compromise guarantees unending ridicule and persecution. To be a light in a dark world generates malice and animosity from the mediocre masses who hide behind walls of corruption, paranoia and condemnation. Still, its never too late to change the path! Choose wisely, live purposefully! Truth always has a value. GM

What's love got to do with it?

Loving and Living in a selfish world

Gazing down the airplane window, trying to distract myself from the impending take off, I pondered about a TV documentary I had just finished watching on my phone before boarding. Interestingly, it was about an aspect of human existence I haven't spent much time considering, that is, until lately - on the hows and whys and whens - of love, of sex, of lust, of the more basic physical instincts that men and women grapple with, of relationships. 

So much so in fact, that the subject of "love" has been amazingly neglected. Maybe what the author said was true. I suppose in many respects I have also become a little jaded and cynical when it comes to what "love" is all about anyway... I mean, what does love have to do with sex, and vice versa... Can anyone really explain it? And, when do you really distinguish between the two?

How many times have you heard people say - "When you're in love with someone, you'll just know it..." Know what? Know how? Know when? They never seem to explain "it" and most of us - I'd wager - would have a hard time verbalizing exactly what "it" is... So I ask you now - what is love? If that isn't the most open-ended question on the planet at this moment - I don't know what would be!

Throughout history reams and reams of paper and countless barrels of ink have been expended by those in search of in explanation of  love...  Shakespeare wrote "Live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove, That hills and valleys, dales and fields, And all the craggy mountains yields..." Perhaps Shakespeare knew what love had to do with "it". Perhaps if he was still alive and kicking he could enlighten the rest of us - who can say...

Hollywood has made more than its fair share of attempts at interpreting love on the big screen over the years - From Here to Eternity and Casablanca are only a few of the classic films that come to mind. Even today in this post modern century, everyone still seems to be in search of "it." I remember reading an old article in Salon magazine by Barry Sullivan, a series of essays written on spending 34 years making love to and loving the same woman... Is Mr. Sullivan an anomaly? Is long-term "love" a generational thing, and have we forgotten how it works in this day and age - or did we ever know?

I believe the sole answer to all of the preceding questions is quite simply "No." How many of us with parents still living (and still married after 30, 40, even 50 years) can look at them and know they are, in fact, truly happy - or they have never cheated - or have they just acquiesced to an existence of tolerating each other, of a life time of disengagement because being engaged with each other ceased to be a passion for them long ago... I'd bet the scales are tipped pretty evenly in that regard.

Love wins out sometimes, other times - it does not. Pity, most of us still look for the flaws in the person who loves us instead of rejoicing in their love. Selfishly, we get more interested in stuff like money, looks, age, race and so many other things that we entirely forget why we even fell in love with that person. We only want to accept and have the love we think we deserve. 

Perhaps the one thing that can be said - is that when you do happen to stumble upon love - or it stumbles upon you - and you do inexplicably know - cherish it, hold it, revel in it - because just like the weeds that invade and strangle bright blossoming gardens, love will leave you, if don't care for it...if you don't protect it..if you don't respect it.

All these musings as usual, provide more questions than answers - but that's part of life that makes you think, think, think... I hope at the very least we are continuing to do that - even if we are habitually late and ignorant in recognizing true love when it comes to us on a platter. Like someone said, being ignored by someone who's attention means the world to you is the worst feeling ever.

I am a pessimist when it comes to love but I still believe we must like living each day to its fullest all the time and find and cherish the love we find. Maybe, we should all enjoy life while you're at it! Just because the summer of love slipped away and the winter of loneliness is on the way, is no excuse for staying cooped up and forgetting how to - live...and love and try again. Try it sometime and I think you'll quickly become addicted. 

10 Stages of Drinking

Exploring the fine art of Alcohol Consumption

Everybody loves a drunk. Whether it be the melancholy humor of W.C. Fields, the dignified swagger of Dean Martin, or the testosterone bravado of Vin Diesel... well, nearly for every good drunk, the traits tell no lies. 

If you can suck down a six-pack of Budweiser through a funnel that 24 hours earlier served as the entry point for transmission fluid into a Dodge Charger and then wipe your chin and belch your Social Security number, let's face it, you're as cool as you need to be.

My old 64-ounce Budweiser stein has grown a bit dusty, and I've become accustomed to a highball glass filled with something dark mixed with something bubbly. Soon, I imagine I'll move up to straight scotch, or maybe martinis, although I refuse to sell myself into the ever trending martini craze. Thirty something adults acting like old sixty something adults is almost as silly looking as the opposite, a sort of mid-life crisis, if you will. 

I like drinking. I had stopped but its begun again. I think I am getting good at it. And not just the "I can drink forty eight beers and not die" good. I do it quite well. If I could make money drinking, I'd get bonuses. Quarterly.

I know alcohol is an addictive drug too. However, sometimes there's a little part of me that, I don't know, distracts the thinking part of me and sort of seduces me into getting ugly, bleached, stinking, three-sheets duhrunk. It happens all the time, to all of us. But as i told you before, I'm getting good at this too, and I've learned and mastered the stages. With expert help from ace researchers, who have taken painstaking notes and measurements of this drunken state of mind, I have gotten blotto down to a science which I am calling the fine art of consumption.

Stage 1: The Refusing

It holds true that the evenings I begin by refusing the first few drinks offered me are the ones where I end up emptying a fifth of Absolut. So take note, if you don't feel like drinking, either have one right away to take the edge off, or call a cab before the nightmare ensues. This is one of the most overlooked stages, which is a shame because early prevention is so key.

Stage 2: The Relaxing

After the first two drinks I'm in my normal routine, just hanging out, being smooth, having a good time, taking a load off. The most deceptive of the stages, stage two is almost always mistaken for a nice night out with friends.

Stage 3: The Reveling

Usually accompanied by erratic (and stupid) dancing, this stage is the latter of my normal drinking routine. By this time, I'm feeling great, not quite invincible, but definitely a few pounds lighter. If I go straight home after this stage, I've done my job.

Stage 4: The Ranting

I'm not sure why, but at some point my speech becomes littered with the "F" word. Without fail. And my proximity to the public rarely puts any restraint on it. Also, I tend to get a little mean here. Requests of "Excuse me sir, could you keep it down" are usually met with, "First of all, shave your back..." and so on. This is still a familiar stage though, and there are quite a few of us who can recognize it, or, this late in the game, have it recognized for us, and retreat back to the safety of our homes before we embarrass everyone or at least receive a good pummeling. Sometimes, I get all intellectual and talk like Noam Chomsky. 

Stage 5: The Shrinking

The first of the unrecognizable or "too late" stages, shrinking can only be detected by the shrinkee, and, thus, rarely gets caught in time. Every once in a while, I can spot shrinking. People get bigger, words get bigger, the ground gets bigger, yet I am powerless to stop it. In a most fascinating aside, the stages have begun to speed up drastically at this point, actually breaking several laws of physics.

Stage 6: The Crying

Don't laugh. And stop acting like it never happens to you. This is probably the most vulnerable point in human existence short of birth. It doesn't happen every time, but if ANY amount of tequila has made its way onto my menu, I end up weeping profusely. Usually about deep things like my life or a lost friend, but also stupid things like never having become a Pilot or the being angry at the kid who broke the egg statue I made for my mom in the second grade.

Stage 7: The Bargaining

"Oh God, oh Buddha,  just let me throw up. I promise I'll..."

Stage 8: The Regurgitating

Look, you know it's coming. Don't make it such a big deal. Go to the bathroom, find a stall, and jump up and down in place. This usually gets it all out in one... heave. I know, it's disgusting, and I honestly hope you're not eating lunch or anything while you're reading this, but it's the dark fact of the social drinker. Sooner or later it's you. Note: If you've found that special someone to hold your hair, don't ever let them go.

Stage 9: The Bargaining (reprise)

"Oh God, just let me stop throwing up. I promise I'll..."

Stage 10: The Napping

I prefer to call it napping. After a hard night getting all tanked up and putting friendships and relationships and your general health on the line, you need some rest. So get home and get tucked in. And believe me, even insomniacs like me cant fight the napping power of alcohol.

These are the things society doesn't tell you. It's hard to imagine W.C. Fields bargaining, Dean Martin crying, or Vin Diesel refusing, but it happens. It happens a lot. So now, when you get set to go on that bender, you'll be prepared. And if I see you out there, let me know if I've made a difference. Unless of course I'm at stage four. Then just leave me alone until stage six, at which point I'll have all the love in the world for you.

To happy (and safe) drinking! J & W