Its the Last December of this Decade

I Know Things that Google Doesn't

Every December brings dread and uncertainty. Even though its the busiest time for me work-wise, its also the time when Murphy's law takes an entirely new dimension in my life. No matter how much I plan and prepare for the worst, I get bogged down with problems of all kinds - work, family, health, weather, money and even matters of the heart and mind. Sometimes, I feel like a victorious but battered Hercules by the time the New Year dawns.

This December is singularly unique. It's the last December of this decade. Did you even think about it? And this got me thinking about the last 10 years of my life. My age especially. I am into prime adulthood now, and while I've been blessed with good genes and a youthful appearance (I think), I have done my share of coping with aging and all those weighty issues that come up in the process. Like watching my body change and trying to hold back the visual signs with lazy exercise and bad diets. Suddenly, you start noticing everyone around you is fitter and younger than you. And damn, those awful grey hairs. 

I discovered grey hairs when I wasn't even 30 yet. I don't think I need to expand on the horror of making that discovery, now do I?  So, after I mentally sobbed for a while, ate a dozen jelly beans, and wondered if I were going to have to start dying my hairs, I just calmly plucked those grey ones right out and decided not to worry about it. That was many years ago but now, it's an impractical solution unless I intend to go bald in a painful way. 

This winter, my thirty-something friend's 26 years old pretty cousin came to stay with her. A model in the making, she seemed obsessed with her body. While anyone would admire her young, gazelle-like body, shapely limbs, and svelte hour-glass figure, we would listen to her bemoan the agonies of her new adulthood. She would rue her back was too broad, her legs too short, her teeth too big, her ass too flat. We assured her that she looked lovely and she was simply overreacting but to no avail. 

Then, my friend and I jointly recalled how utterly confusing it was to navigate the new and harsh realities of adulthood, and we instantly knew there's no way we can alleviate her cousin's pain. She's going to have to go through what I call the "horrible 20's" and figure it out for herself. 

I've come to understand that twenty-something adversity, as annoying as this may sound, is actually good for us. It's how we deal with it that determines our future character. I can only hope she has the resources and the dexterity to come through it all and end up in a good place - physically, mentally and sexually.

Speaking of sex, adulthood has its remarkable charms too. Not to sound too self-flattering, the 30s can also be adventurous. How else would you define being pursued by young women in their 20's and 30's? While I've long ridiculed the shallow puerile carnal fantasies of virile young women connecting with an older "wise man", I sometimes have found myself drawn to these younger women's zest for life and impressed with their intellect, warmth, and ambition.

My friends envy me, especially those younger than me but no matter, how you look at it, there's a stark reality to it. After a couple of days, weeks or months, uncustomarily filled with various encounters with these young women, you are inevitably, again reminded of the dark painful issues that make their existence known, and the often mediocre sex that fills the 20's and the boasted quantity of sex rather than quality. With a few exceptions, of course!

Maybe now when I feel impatient with the baggage that the term "wise man" brings relevance to my life, it'll be tempered with knowing that those young women are no less burdened themselves. Rather, they're simply in the stage of cultivating that baggage, and a whole lot more confused about it too!

So what does all this mean to me (and maybe to you too)? It means that I have a new appreciation of the innate balance of life and where I've arrived at this current age. When my jealous young friends of the google generation express their bemusement over me getting hit on by more women than they get, I console them that I can but never regain the beauty of youth that they enjoy now. Black hair for example.

There's still a silver lining and a distinct advantage that I don't tell them. That I now have a richer kind of life experience, knowledge and wisdom they don't and cannot possibly yet possess. If their envy is indeed true, my desirability probably comes from the confidence I exude. And isn't it nice to know that they also have to earn it? That they have to do the hard work of self-challenge, self-growth, and persistent optimism that this kind of desirability requires. And also be prepared to weather the adversarial surprises adult life is certain to throw their way too?

So, this December, I feel less dread and actually positive. Maybe, it means that I am better equipped with more awareness and insights I have earned this decade. Maybe these nuggets of sagacity borne of life and observation have made me more adept in navigating the uncertainties of adult life, my migraines and a tiny bit closer to welcoming the new year with grace and acceptance. Maybe one day I'll even be able to hear the term "wise man" without cynicism -and then again, maybe not!! So, do a little introspection and make this last December, worth enough to remember. 

Romantic Passion Demystified!

Romantic passion, according to my fav Brazilian alchemist Paulo Coelho 

Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path. No one wants their life thrown into chaos. 

That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded. 

Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything. 

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? Or is it the best thing that can happen. I don’t know.

Romance for Dummies

There is no love, when there is no romance

I often get asked why I write about love and romance. Does it not scare me? Or am I really so desperate to be loved? The words love and romance scares many people. It’s true, and matter of fact sometimes scares me too. Often, it conjures up thoughts of having to dramatically change yourself into someone else, to metamorphose into a new being and most of all, to feel appreciated and accepted.

In reality, romance and love are merely a life enhancement, not a real change. You can love someone without romance but without romance, the love fades away. It is the art of awareness and an awakening of the importance in your life of those you love. It is a reflection of the heart, and of the mind, a way to find something meaningful through shared experiences with someone else. 

Romance is also truly the way to a person’s heart and beyond. We all want and need to feel loved. It is the core of our existence to feel that we are important to someone, that we matter. Romance is not a college course, as it requires no degree. It quite simply entails getting in touch with your own heart then touching another's. 

It has been said that if you follow your heart, you will never go wrong, but how many of us actually open that part of ourselves that is the heart? We think we do. We tell ourselves we do. But do we really? We pretend at best, bad actors doing bad acting or feel intimidated. More often, we block than open up, confuse than confide, doubt than trust and to make it worse, we fight, we battle, we go to war. 

To make romance and not war is the challenge. It’s not really a difficult path really. We can enrich the relationships we are currently in, or those of the future, by bringing into our relationships a greater awareness of what is really important, communicating with clarity and adding a little imagination in our love. Take, for instance, the word ‘romantic interlude’. It sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? The mind immediately conjures up all sorts of settings from tropical islands to medieval castles. Everything from mellow moonlit nights and sensual candlelight dinners to clandestine makeouts in the car parking. So, in essence, romance is all in the mind, and the only way to get to it is by unlocking the imagination, by opening the heart, and expressing what is inside. 

Whether you are single, engaged, in a relationship, married a short time, or a long time, romance is important to maintaining strong love and lasting robust relationship. It’s the glue that connects. The possibilities of love are endless, limited only by that willingness to follow the heart as far as it will take you. 

If today was to be your last day of life, what would you have at the top of your list of things you would miss the most? Gone would be the money and material goals, for they, like life, are short-lived. What would you want to be remembered for? The possessions you attained? The success you were in your career? Personally, I would much rather be remembered that I truly loved and was loved. This is not to say we must sacrifice one for the other. It is merely a position of the importance of the things in our lives. 

In these sad times of short-lived marriages and even shorter relationships, there is always a great deal of fear, suspicion, mistrust, and insecurities. So we must aspire a return to romance in our lives and open ourselves to romantic notions, even if we are already in love. This will help restore the value of giving that little extra to our love lives that enriches and touches deeper into our hearts and melds into our minds.

Not only will you improve the life of the one you love, but you'll also improve your own as well. By giving someone the key that opens the treasure chest of who we are and what we feel, we can create a map to that treasure, follow it, or follow your heart, for romance is merely a way of expressing love, and that is the greatest treasure of all. 

If nothing else, you’ll realize life is a wonderful journey that can be enriched through romance, love and a little imagination. So, take that moment, that chance, and explore some wonderful ways to enrich your life, and your relationship. And I hope you find a smile, an opportunity, or just a deep sigh that signals the beginning of something more. Good luck! Happy romancing! 

Hunting Treasures on the Internet Highway

Finding love in the cyber universe and other little things 

Last night, I watched the 1998 hit “You’ve Got Mail” starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks on the telly. Directed by Nora Ephron, it’s a bittersweet romantic comedy about two harried souls, who aren't aware of the fact that they already know each other on the earthly plane of the real world, but find each other in an online chat room under anonymous screen names and slowly develop a robust relationship. 

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I won’t spoil it any more of what happens next. It’s ironic though that this sugary story of computer love that transcends into real life still resonates with relevance, even in 2019. After all, all they do is predominantly chat throughout the movie. And despite being bitter enemies in the physical world, they proceed to virtually fall in love. You might think, how? With what and with whom are they falling in love? Thoughts? Passions? Humor? Fantasies? Hope? Or the person itself? 

Like old-fashioned love letters, you’ll have to admit; an incredible thing happens when two people simply correspond in writing. The brain feels liberated, unhindered by the bodies automatic social responses that occur when people communicate face to face. There’s nothing to worry about - how you look, how your voice sounds, whether you are black or white, what gods you follow; there are no judgments and if all goes well, no inhibitions later. There is just the mind working to be understood in a pure realm of trust and communication and opening up to a receptive soul. And soon it becomes much more than just an anonymous chat. 

In the real world, when we meet someone very attractive, we are pulled to them instantly. When the physical attraction is strong, it simply overpowers and takes priority over everything else. Then, it soon fades into oblivion. Lust over reason so to speak, confused for love rather than listening, understanding and accepting. But in the virtual space, you may not fully understand the other person chatting with you but you do have to listen. And vice versa. And by actually listening, you open up to a lot of understanding and that is the wonderful beauty of this exercise.

Of course, in these days of online perverts, sly scammers and dangerous stalkers, you’ll have to be very careful who you are interacting with. And many would tell you that people lie in the online worlds. I have had to endure the concerns of those who believe I'm out of my mind or simply that they are more cautious than me. "They could be lying about who they are!" I've been told. As if to say people you meet in person never lie about who they are? Oh, here's another one, "Anyone who has to put a personal profile on the Internet must be a real loser" or “simply wants to just get laid tonight”. 

Would you call someone who can type at least 100 words a minute, has the intelligence and literal eloquence to communicate his or her innermost thoughts and feelings, and has the self-confidence, focus, and motivation to actually do it - a loser? And why go through this elaborate ritual for sex when sex is now so readily available, free and cheap. 

Well, meeting someone in the flesh can be far more deceptive and dangerous these days than getting to know someone from afar. We humans are slaves to our senses first and to our hearts second. Remove all of the armour and the sensual desires and we are left with consciousness and communication in their purest forms. 

Thus, I highly recommend the Internet for your next romantic interlude. Of course it helps to know what you are looking for ahead of time. The most important thing when looking for your soul mate is to know exactly who you are. If possible, I suggest you sit down and make a list of everything you know to be true about yourself - down to the last detail, positive and negative and everything in between. Be completely honest. Then write down every detail about the person of your dreams, but that doesn’t mean you ponder up the Dead Pool or the Wonder Woman. 

There have been periods in my life where I have thought hard about the perfect woman I wanted in my life - if at all that was possible. I had a mental image of her down to the last detail - her face, her work, her body, her personality - everything. Obviously, the conventional methods of meeting a woman held no water with me. Did I really believe that the woman of my dreams could be living in the same city I was in or somewhere far off, 1000s of miles away? 

And my online profile too had to stand out. I want the woman to think that here is a man astute enough to know that his profile is just casual enough to make him not appear needy, and just alluring enough to attract a smart woman who knows the difference, or that he is just being honest. Either way I couldn't lose, could I? I’ll be truthful, all completely legitimate notions there trying to attract the best mate possible. 

If you cross this stage, understand that the person of your dreams may still not be ready for you in your present state, especially if you have plenty of emotional baggage. So you have to be insightful and objective enough to realize that you’ll have to shed the excess kilos, be willing to wait and also find someone who is willing to take their chances with you patiently. Patience is scarce you see. 

Typically, we choose only the people we are ready to be with. Every person in our life that we chose before finding the final “Chosen One” - was there because of either unavoidable circumstances or life wanted to teach you a particular lesson at that time. Our needs and wants change. Sometimes, we want to be drowned in affection so we would choose a needy, insecure soul who would smother us with affection. Then, we may want to go to the opposite extreme, pretending we could be with someone who loved you but let you be like a free bird. 

At any given time, we all have an image in our mind of the features that we consider attractive or desirable in the person we seek. As we grow older and possibly wiser, these requirements turn to virtues and traits we pursue and it goes much more than just looks. It’s as if, we have found a new realization dawning on us. 

On the Internet, deception is possible but unnecessary and obsolete because only we know who we are and what we need. Don't be a crafty jerk. Unlike the anonymity of the "You've Got Mail" era, we now have authentic power, the power to search the cyber cosmos incognito to find what we seek so what’s the point in faking an artificial persona? After all, we are looking for love and companionship, so why fake it. 

In the end, finding someone who loves and appreciates you is no easy task on the internet but remember, you’ll be astounded at how the cyberverse can sometimes throw an irresistible surprise at you, who would blow you off your feet and turn your life upside down. And what can happen next could be an incredible exchange of deep thoughts and crazy ideas; of all your hopes and dismal fears; of incisive messages and risqué gifs; of long emails and anticipated notifications, and of course, of carnal lusts and bodily desires. In essence, an emotional outpouring of the souls between two strangers on opposite ends of the city or far corner of the planet, depending where you find your match. A friend, a lover, a mate, a spouse...only time can tell. 

So, my fellow wanderers, start your engines and drive into the vast internet highway and take your chances. And you just might find the treasure to treasure for the rest of your life. Just dont forget to wear your seatbelt though. 

Of X Men, Y Women and Everything in Between!

Love is all about flaws and acceptance, warts and all.

Most guys my age are a confused lot. The quest for true love and companionship, or even real sex, is still in the air, it just tastes very different today. Their dilemma is that they don’t know which way to go. Should they look for girls their age, in the Generation X or Y category, or should they look for those younger, in the confused Generation Z? And what about older men still looking for love? And finally comes the unequivocally frightening question of whether or not the direction that you take makes any difference at all? 

I know a guy friend who is 35 and a total commitment phobic but that doesn’t deter him from hitting on as many girls and women he can, even though he’s seeing someone else. He is very similar to a lot of the guys. Unfortunately, they all want to have fun and do whatever they want, no strings attached. So every now and then they have to give it a shot at the women they know and another shot again (if they fail). Some succeed eventually but many fail, only to be shot down again. Women are not idiots. Its hard to believe that every Gen-X or Y guy is like this, but they pop up all over the place giving all men a bad name and woman a bad taste in the mouth, no pun intended. 

I also have a female friend who is 37 years old currently dating a boyfriend who is 25. That’s over 12 years. She highly recommends dating younger men because her boyfriend is a great guy. She feels she is fed up with changing a boyfriend every year and now believes that Generation Y men are more equipped for Gen-X women. She feels that the men in generation X are caught in a commitment phobic phase that could last the rest of their lives. Yet, she also admits if she herself is caught in a commitment phobic phase and if she subconsciously wants it to last the rest of her life. 

The worry we all have, is simply that we don’t want to get bogged down in a relationship that isn’t right. But, what the hell is right, anyway? I think that the real plaque on our relationships is that we don’t want to end up like some of our parents, married and unhappy. We search for that altruistic person that will measure up to our perfect standards, but does that person ever exist? Is there a happy medium in relationships where the two people love each other and can actually grow as people together in a committed relationship without becoming zombies that just go through the motions of everyday married life? I guess the real question then is can a relationship exist where two people are committed to each other but still retain some sense of independence and growth in their daily lives? 

I have another female friend who is 25 and her boyfriend is 35. They seem to have a good relationship, but she tends to get a little clingy with him and she wants to do everything together and he gets weird about it. The funny thing is that all of her previous boyfriends did the same thing to her and she hated it. I hate those couples, no matter what age they are. You know who I mean, they can’t go anywhere, do anything, or make any decisions without their mate’s approval or input. 

I like to call it the “honeymoon”, which usually happens at the beginning of a relationship. These two people spend every waking moment with each other because they’ve finally met someone that they think is amazing. The truth is that they’ve probably just met someone that they find incredibly attractive and hormones make them think that this person is flawless. Maybe that person is amazing, but deep down, we fail to know that the flawless person is just a person. And surprise, of course they have flaws, we all do. We need to wake up from the honeymoon because every honeymoon does come to an end and then you’re left with yourself, for better or for worse. 

Yet, so many couples continue to live in the honeymoon phase even after it’s over, but they can’t understand why that person isn’t what they used to be? They are what they’ve always been; you just had hormonal blinders on that made them look perfect. Think about it, can any person always be perfect? NO. Think about how many times you get frustrated with yourself, of course other people are going to bug you sometimes, that’s why you shouldn’t spend every waking moment with just one person. Get it? 

Don’t get me wrong, I do think that it’s wonderful to have a loving mate who will be there for you in times of need or just when you feel like talking, but the bottom line is that you have to deal with yourself, by yourself, at some point. Let’s face facts, there isn’t going to be one person in your life at every moment of every conceivable day except YOU! So we’d better learn to deal with ourselves now, right? 

Now I know you’re probably saying that this is all a bunch of pop psychology crap that you’ve heard before. You can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Yadda, yadda, yadda. But, there is a ring of truth in those words, isn’t there? I’m really not as cynical as I sound. I just think that there’s more to life than one person who completes you. Or maybe I think it’s less than that, because you have to complete you. 

And of course this hasn’t answered any of your questions about X versus Y or XY versus Z or any permutation you want to try, and that’s the point. I am, as I’m sure many of you are, just looking for someone cool, funny, and secure with themselves. And, of course, if the right hormones were there, it would be helpful. They must come in all shapes and sizes, and X’s and Y’s. Why not? 

So, stop all the worrying about the generational gaps and start the living and loving, enjoy the crisp fall weather and get on an autumn date. You never know, what will happen. 

Clumsy Flirting Games

Flirting is a woman’s trade, play it safe!

The crossed legs, the flip of the hair, the shy smile followed by a gentle head turn and sometimes a playful wink, the hand casually placed on the arm to emphasize a point, a subtly wicked smile. All of these things have something in common. They are things that a discerning guy can pick up from an interested woman that might mean a sensitive guy, that is you - can have a shot at her – provided - you play your cards right. But many a time, it is not. She is not interested; you are the clumsy fool, her gestures simply natural and innocuous. And therein lies the risk and a potential humiliation.

Most of you would have indulged or at least seen these subtle seduction gestures used by women who know how to lead a guy on. And, I have also seen them all presented unknowingly by beautiful women towards stupid and naive men, which in turn produced an unwanted advance by the now confused, poor guy (not to mention leaving the lady wanting to know whatever gave the guy the idea that she was interested in the first place?!). Of course, some clumsy guys do tend to jump the gun on occasion with overzealous egos and thoughtless assumptions. 

All of this, however, is part of the cat and mouse game we play as man and woman. The game we all know and love but yet, we make so many mistakes. Take for example - the simple act of a woman crossing her legs. Women do it all the time, for comfort and probably never give it a second thought and some do it on purpose. 

I do find it to be an intriguing event though. As a whole, I view women as a symbol of grace and elegance. There is nothing on this earth more beautiful than a woman. Still, I cannot deny that there is always a bit of sexual attraction at the sight of a beautiful women crossing her legs, however, it is usually secondary to the event. As you are probably more aware, most men are driven by the sexuality of the women but this is not true of all men. There are a few of us that truly appreciate the beauty of a woman. Do you believe that :) 

All said and done, the whole act of placing one shapely stem across the other still can have a whole different world of meaning to different guys. From the discerning to the sensitive, or from the brash to the overzealous guy, it can have different interpretations. If you had to ask them about their opinions on women crossing their legs, most would consider it sexy, a few would call it flirtatious and probably a very few, would consider it elegant or of no consequence. 

If someone would ask me this question, my answers would probably depend on who's legs they are. Legs are a fine feature on women and the features get better as you go up :) but it will certainly depend on the woman and how much she interests me. If in pants or skirt or dress, if the latter, most certainly. Even more so if a mid-thigh skirt is worn (go figure, the shorter the better) and leg slit seems to highlight or enhance nice legs. I like it. I would be a hypocrite if I lied. 

Nonetheless, assuming, she is interested, these subtle gestures are my favorite part of the game (besides, of course, closing the deal). These first contacts with your next possible partner need to be carefully thought out though, and if you're the girl - you hope "Mr. Right" is able to read your body language correctly and if you are a guy, vice versa. There is nothing sexist about this as long as this consensual, even if it’s a deed unspoken. But for men, its a challenge, what are we guys looking to read? And what makes us look or draws us in? 

There are no written rules here so play it very safe. If in doubt about your object of affection, wait until she makes it abundantly clear that she is interested. There are no rooms for even one false move. 

Let me end this little piece on how males process these gestures with my favorite? I've always liked the open-ended lure, the sly gaze, preferably if she has her hair untied, a gaze where she looks at me yet doesn't maintain solid eye contact, sometimes with a delicate semi-smile. As someone said, a woman's eyes flirt the most. And if she talks very little, remember, she has also probably learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. Enjoy! 

If you have liked this, you might probably like this Flirt Guide! 

What Movies I Saw This Week

Obviously not pleased with so many recent posts on women and relationships, an old-time reader wrote to me if I have stopped posting on music and movies entirely. A valid question actually. So this post is a quick fix to assuage any such doubts! 

The Girl with All the Gifts (Colm McCarthy, 2016) - Never since Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later (2002) has any post-apocalyptic zombie horror movie got me hooked like this one. I was so enamored by it, I went ahead and bought myself the novel of the same name by British writer M.R. Carey, which in turn is based on his 2013 Edgar Award-nominated sci-fi short story Iphigenia In Aulis. I won't spoil it more for you other than the fact that the British make good zombie movies that combine style and substance, unlike their Hollywood counterparts. Gemma Atherton and Paddy Considine act solid but its Glenn Close and the little heroine - Sennia Nanua as Melanie who steals the show. A beautiful score by Cristo, the Chilean-born Canadian composer famous adds to the flavor. 

Clan Of The Cave Bear (Michael Chapman, 1986) - Not since Raquel Welch stepped on her mammoth-fur bikini in One Million Years BC (1966) has there been a piece of pre-historic nookie more enticing than blonde goddess Daryl Hannah in this epic adventure about a young Cro-Magnon woman raised by Neanderthals. Luckily, she doesn't have to handle any dialogue here, just grunt and groan (with subtitles) and look smashing in this irresistibly silly cavewoman flick with many subtle overtones to feminism. The script, believe it or not, is by the great John Sayles and music by Alan Silvestri. If you can withstand people dressed in neanderthal costumes and Oscar-nominated makeup talking in sign language, this box office bomb based on the best selling book by Jean M. Auel is actually a good time pass. 

The Boy Who Could Fly (Nick Castle, 1986) - Charming, if a tad overlong fantasy drama about a teenage girl (Lucy Deakins), whose father has recently died, and her attempts to help an autistic boy (Jay Underwood) who seems to think he can fly. Deakins and Underwood's empathetic performances keep the story grounded in reality, even when it becomes fanciful towards the end. Director/writer Castle isn't quite Spielberg, but he does a good job at capturing a similar sense of wonder. Watch out for Wonder Years' Fred Savage, Jason Priestley, and John Carpenter. Good music by Bruce Broughton. For those who don't know, Nick Castle played Michael Myers in John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) and also co-wrote Escape From New York (1981). 

The April Fools (Stuart Rosenberg, 1969) - Jack Lemmon is caught in a comedy of romantic errors in this bright farce about a wall street broker who falls for a stunning woman (Catherine Deneuve) who turns out to be the wife of his boss, brilliantly acted by Peter Lawford. The two try and run off together, amid all kinds of complications. Wildly out of control at times, this romantic comedy directed ably by Cool Hand Luke's Stuart Rosenberg has enough of a lunatic edge to keep you interested and give a lesson or two about being caught up in a loveless marriage. The stellar supporting cast includes Sally Kellerman, Charles Boyer, Jack Weston, and Myrna Loy. 

Equalizer 2 (Antoine Fuqua, 2018) - In this fourth collaboration between Denzel Washington and Antoine Fuqua and much-awaited sequel to the 2014 hit, things go quickly downhill from a rather very impressive start that promises so much potential to a faltering weak film by the time it ends. Denzel Washington's acting is top notch as usual but a stupid "in your face" unsuspenseful script, unnecessary characters, and too much sugary sentimentality robs this vigilante thriller of any redeeming factors. A stormy weather setup that's outlined right from the beginning ends up like a joke in the climax with preposterous sequences. I had a nagging feeling if the first half and second half were directed by two different individuals. Its anybody's guess, which one was Antoine Fuqua but who cares anyway, when this movie has already crossed over $184 million since its release. Strictly for Denzel Washington fans. 

How It Ends (David M. Rosenthal, 2018) - This Netflix dystopian thriller got my attention because it had a nice trailer, it had Forest Whitaker and also because I have a perennial appetite for all "end of the world" movies. I should have trusted the negative reviews though, a terrible film and a sheer waste are what many warned. I won't say its as awful as the reviews make of it, its pedestrian in the pace of course but shot very well, the acting by Theo James, Whitaker and co are also not as bad but where its utterly fails is the pacing and final pay off. The mystery of what really happened or how the world has ended or is ending is never explained. Not explained at all actually. I guess they wanted to make a sequel where the mystery will be deciphered but the way "how it ends" and the kind of negative publicity it has already received, I think that noble idea must have already been shelved. As long as you are willing to see a dystopian road movie with a sense of perpetual dread and don't mind an inconclusive ending, How It Ends is an ok watch but insipidly boring nonetheless.

In Search of Great Sex

Romance is dead, sex is abundantly cheap but it's not Real

While critiquing a poorly crafted erotic novel today, I wanted to berate the author for often neglecting a simple but critical driver in his plot – that truly great sex is really great only when it’s free. When I say free, I mean free in the literal sense, meaning its really free of charge, and also free of baggage. And here was a wealthy protagonist, trying to get laid paying his way through a multitude of soulless women. If the author's intention was to amorously entice, it certainly wasn’t. Instead, it sounded more like a collection of misogynistic rape fantasies, a sad reflection of how mainstream erotica is now these days.

For me, when you pay for sex, it’s an actual business transaction. There’s no soul or drama to it, it's sadly all about the money, the time and what’s in it for you as the buyer as much as it’s for the seller. And I hate it. When you pay someone for their time, a cover charge or a per hour charge at a brothel or a per minute charge online, all you are really paying for is a time-bound limited access to an empty space -- physical or virtual - whose provider claims is a place where sex will be found or likely to be found. Its click and bait of the carnal kind for hollow sexual gratifications. 

And specifically, the Internet has provided a great opportunity for the commercialization of sex - cybersex sites, cam sites and other online businesses where one can interact in a sexual non-judgemental environment with other adults for a fee. However, when you pay for this kind of sex, there is still no guarantee that any sex will be found, and if you do find any there is no guarantee that it will be any good. And as any connoisseur of sex will tell you, sex for which one has to pay a cover charge is never as enjoyable as the sex one finds in the chance encounters experienced in the unlikeliest of places to the normal vagaries of life – with your significant other or significant others if that’s your thing. 

Despite this inexpensive availability of sex and the massive growth of the sex industry, sex is still free. It’s just that we don’t make an effort. True lustful sex, sex that is fulfilling and enjoyable and satisfying, is something that consenting adults give willingly to each other. It cannot be bought or sold. It’s a natural, passionate and impulsive response. Pity, we don’t do this anymore. 

But most men are to blame too. You are really a cheap asshole if you expect sex just because you bought her flowers or a meal for your girl. You may pay for dinner or a movie, and you might think you will be getting some when the meal is done and or when the credits roll. This, unfortunately, is not always the case and that’s uncertainty is what makes true spontaneous sex truly special. And when it’s with someone you have been thinking about or should I say, fantasizing about, this sex can be spectacular. And if the feeling is mutual, it can be outstandingly electric. Add real love and it will become fabulous. 

Romance is largely dead now. As a species, we have become lazy and self-absorbed. Too obsessed with our careers, our life problems, and insecurities that we have forgotten the art of dating and seduction. Sex is so cheap now, men want to simply pay for it. No love, no dates, no foreplay even, just pay and fuck. You can now order sex just like a meal and its delivered to your doorstep. It’s a shame and speaks how commoditized sex has become. 

It’s not much different for women too, the sheer abundance of desperate men ensures a wide never-ending choice for the woman who wants to get laid tonight. All she has to do is open any one of the countless dating apps on her phone and choose the guy she wants to be with. Unless she is searching for a soulmate, she doesn’t even have to compromise. There are always so many men in the line, eager to please that she can pick and choose. And for a momentary change, she is in control. 

Call me stupid or a purist, but sex with no soul is no sex at all. I can wait for true sex! Good sex, after all, is not just free, it's amazingly priceless.

Turning on the Girls - Cheryl Benard

A wickedly amusing novel with a feminist dystopian premise 

I will make a confession: I didn't really want to read this dystopian battle of the sexes satire where women rule the world sometime in the future after a great revolution. A future where patriarchy and testosterone male hood has been banished, stiletto heels, romantic novels and rape fantasies banned and vegetarianism is mandatory. 

Behind its innocent looking, flowery cover, the pitch sounded so blatantly feminist, it screamed “feminazi". A bit though provoking indeed but too "pro-women, anti-men" for my tastes. Yet, the preview still piqued my interest, and I thought I'd just buy it and read a bit to confirm my curiosities. Secondhand books can surprise you a lot. 

I barely got through the very first page, it was as if Cheryl Benard knew what was going through my head because it was as if she had started to talk to me. No, I'm not exaggerating or crazy, the author literally breaks into the story to do a little explaining for us. About four pages later, I actually liked her unconventional prose and silly sense of wicked humor and continued to read. Much to my delight, I must add. 

You can read the preview or an excerpt online to find out about the outlandish Orwellian plot with a feminist spin so I won't repeat it all here. I just have to say that it’s been a while since I read a radically inventive novel quite like this in the recent years. Weird sci-fi movies yes but a totalitarian gender-centric novel laced with erotica and dark humour? no. 

It wasn't just the plot that had a remarkable twist, it was also the way the story was told. It’s almost as if Cheryl Benard forgot to read the rules of storytelling and skipped her writing classes in college watching Terry Gilliam's terrific 1985 gem "Brazil" for inspiration instead. And much to the reader's joy, it works most of the time. The way she pokes fun at the differences between men and women without taking sides or condemnation is a comic relief throughout. 

As long as you don’t take this very seriously and ignore the many silly clichés and unnecessary gender arguments, the subtle humor placed throughout (like Justin sipping on a "Bloody Henry") is crafty and witty, alone makes a fun breezy read. If you thought women would make the world the better place, this bizarre novel turns this idea inside out, over its head, and still surprisingly succeeds.

Love is the Solution, Loving Yourself actually

Women, love the shit out of yourself! 

Feminism and women rights are all over the news lately. Credit Harvey Weinstein and the #MeToo movement. And it’s good. Finally, some real chatter on sexual harassment, healthy debates on gender discrimination and meaningful discussions on women empowerment but let’s face it, will it bring about real change? How long is the buzz going to last? The corporate world just sees this a good opportunity for free PR and the most of the mainstream media, shamelessly as ever, crass and voyeuristic. 

Unfortunately, expecting men to change is still a complicated work in slow progress. In my not so unpretentious opinion, I think women don’t need men to bring about this transformation. I doubt if the whole “menkind” will ever evolve to really respect womanhood. Maybe women should stop living in this vicious blame game and move on with a real new spin on the “change is good” philosophy. 

There’s always been a straightforward solution and it ain’t rocket science. Women must start loving themselves. It's really that simple. That’s the real cure. No opportunity to be used or abused! You don’t need anybody’s approval; you don’t have to ‘fit in’, simply learn to love yourself. 

If you are a woman, I know it sounds like something you'd already heard on some TV show. Now, before you twirl barefoot under falling cherry blossoms while remembering your womanly spirit, get real. Think of how many women and girls in your life who truly love themselves? Fact is, too many girls, young 20something – 30something women, and I'm sure quite a few mature women, DON'T love themselves. It is evident in their actions, the people they chose to be with, and the way they let those people treat them. 

So is it nature, nurture or just circumstances? I'm sure we can also chalk it up to chemical imbalance and pin it to low self-esteem. However, we are also affected by what society teaches us, no brainwashes us about love and who is loveable, about being a man and being a woman. The stereotyping never ends.

If you are one of those confused women, maybe you never really thought about it and never asked the million dollar question, "do I love myself?" 

Here are some tell-tale signs that you don't: 

a. You feel good about yourself only if you are in a romantic relationship. 

b. You don't accept that you are beautiful unless somebody tells you that you are. 

c. Your self-worth is based on acceptance by your boyfriend, husband, peers, your boss… 

d. And sometimes, you let this agony get even worse – like allowing yourself to be physically exploited and harmed, getting beaten up by your significant other even if the relationship has turned abusive, doing excessive drugs, unrestrained drinking…I could go on 

Maybe you don't need to be told this - you KNOW you HATE yourself and A through D are some of the reasons. Hold on! These are NOT reasons to hate yourself. Again, they are only symptoms. You are simply all these things because you DON’T love yourself. 

So how did you get so harrowingly low? It could be anything, from the fact that you were born in a dysfunctional family and your parents ignored you, to a traumatic personal episode you had in your life to the consumerist bombardment of thin, "make up heavy" models and fashion magazines that are a parody of life where only anorexic waifs and glamorous movie stars deserve love. Perhaps you were a loner at school with no friends, maybe you were poor watching all the rich, popular kids living fabulously. Or perhaps you were really the unfortunate unlucky one. 

Regardless of how you got here, how miserable your life has been so far, you've got to deal with it. Stop this victimhood and figure out a way to love get free and love yourself. This may be a long, hard journey but a journey of discovery none the less. Your eventual goal must be to truly understand, independently of the opinions of others, that you are a beautiful happy person. Then you'll be self-sufficient and confident, you'll love yourself, and you won't need anybody to love you back (that's just an added bonus). 

In order to get to this point, you have to start with a very simple affirmation - You are a good person. Its really a simple mind - body spirit kind of happy affirmation. Everybody can find one good thing about themselves. Think of as many lines you can to fill "I'm a good person because (fill in the blanks)" . Just start from there and the rest, will follow. Have Faith. 

If you have already started this journey, remember, you’ve still got a long way to go, but savour the progress you’ve made. Maybe, you hate a less little than yesterday and some days, you like yourself independently of what your colleagues or your boyfriend or your parents think. Become an influencer. Help your sisters out to rediscover themselves. Don't get caught with petty jealousy and catty politics. You're all in it together! Girls of the world, unite, love yourself and be happy!

Dating Advice for the Women of the World

Dating shouldn't be a guessing game. Saying a simple Yes or No is all that matters!

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So please, please, ladies when you get asked out, talk in a straight line. Say what you mean in twenty-five words or less. It's best for everybody involved. Chaos theorists say that the more moving parts in a system, the more difficult it is to predict outcomes. So sex is like math. Keep it simple.

I've been told some astonishing lies and disinformation for no reason at all.  I accept "No thank yous," with good grace, but being made to feel like Alice talking to the Caterpillar infuriates me.

For example, a common approach in my circles is to encounter a woman at a place or function, like a club, play, beach, or bar. Maybe this is the first time you've met her, maybe not. You make friends with her at the function and, when the curtain falls or last call is announced, you say, "Would you like to go for coffee? Drinks? Dinner? Ice cream?"  The idea is that you will take her off to a more intimate setting, just the two of you, where you can showcase your wit and sensuality to each other and see if this is going to develop.

Answers I DO NOT GET include, "No thank you," "I already have a boyfriend," "I'm not looking for a relationship, but thanks," "I'm a lesbian," "You hideous freak, I would rather roll naked in maggots." All these answers share the common elements of clarity and sincerity. There is little room for misunderstanding with any of these answers. If I got any of these answers, I'd walk away a little disappointed but feeling that I'd gotten a square deal.

Answers I DO GET include, "Sure! I'll just go tell my friends!" - delivered with a friendly smile. Then she disappears into the crowd and never returns.  "Oh, I have to drive my two friends home. Where are you going to be afterwards?"

I reply, "I was going to go home... but, I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and once you get your friends home you can call me and we'll figure something out."

She never calls.

My friend told me a story where a woman accepted his dinner invitation, named a date and time, gave him directions to her house, took his phone number, gave hers. When he arrived at the address at the arranged time, the house was dark and the driveway was empty.

What's wrong with "No thanks."?

If you don't want to go on the date, just say "No."  Okay, maybe you don't want to be that blunt; you want to spare his feelings. So, you could say, "Gee, I just don't have the time."  Trust me, it's like a bullet through the back of the head.  Lights out.  Didn't hurt.  It's the best thing under the circumstances.

But saying, "Sure, just give me a call!"  And, then dodging his messages, is like sealing a bulkhead on a submarine. He gets to spend two days coming to the realization that he's a big fucking idiot for ever thinking that you were telling the truth. And furthermore, once a guy gets poked in the eye two or four times with this particular stick, it tends to make him edgy and untrusting, and some poor woman down the line who did show up for dinner and drinks is going to be saying, "Why don't you ever tell me what you're feeling?"  So, think of that future woman, at least.

Some men, of course, can't take a straight "No" for an answer, and will keep pestering you about it, turning up in your favorite bars or at your work and repeating themselves, figuring blindly that you said "No" the first five times but the sixth time you're going to crack. My advice, pepper spray that guy, then kick him in the nuts - he'll probably figure it out after that.

And by the way, if you want to go on the date, just say, "Yes! Thursday, seven o'clock?" Don't play hard to get, because anti-stalking laws prohibit us from pursuing that. And any man who thinks you're a slut for agreeing to what he just proposed is a small-minded boob. Discard him immediately. 

So this is universal masculinity (embodied by my humble pen) reaching out to you, the women of the world, with a plea to talk in a straight line, and please teach your friends and  daughters to do the same. The suffering and misunderstandings and accidental charges for criminal stalking or sexual harassment that will be saved in future generations will be immeasurable. No to mention, what a great stride this would be for ongoing diplomatic negotiations between the sexes.

Wintry Leg Blues

Why winter is bad for a shameless leg addict

A long winter is awaiting. Summer has come to an end (well almost) and with it, the never-ending search for the perfect pair of legs. A lot of guys call themselves breast men or booty lovers! Boobs, hooters, ass.. whatever you want to call; it is what gets their rotor in action. I am not patronizing nor am I a sexist but you can’t see getting all hot and excited on a lazy afternoon over something that women keep mostly covered up no matter what the temperature. But legs, think about it, they are generally out there, bare and beautiful and often neglected from the male psyche unless he is clearly into leg fetish. 

I think more guys are leg men then they would think of themselves like that. Breasts really require a certain amount of mass, a critical mass or a shape you could say, to reach a true erotic enticement for men. And asses are just too all over the place to find a lot of very attractive ones. Usually a woman’s, any woman’s, most attractive part, or at least the part most easily made attractive, are her legs. An expensive pair of nylons (and they are all expensive) can hide a lot of flaws. A short skirt, no matter what it is revealing, catches every guys eye. 

A good friend commented, he recently shaved his girlfriend’s legs for her! Yeah, he did. He lost a bet and she put him to work for the day, not exactly a worst gig if you think! In the end, he made his girl happy, got the full appreciation for having her legs just as smooth as he liked, and it was not much work apparently. A lot easier than shaving our man face, he told me. 

I’m making this much more personal than I intended but legs sometimes just drive me crazy. Maybe it is the knowledge of what treasure lies at the conjunction of the two beautiful rods or the beauty of two legs flailing uncontrollably in the air behind my back. You just don’t get that much in the winter though. Most everything is done under the sheets in the winter making for much constriction and zero views. Many women cannot stand to be cold no matter how hot you make her... Maybe you should try turning the heat up in the room heater. 

So, it’s obvious to assume that I also have a fascination (not a fetish) with a certain aspect of the female form (and just the boobs or the ass). That which keeps us upright or serves to hold us tightly to each other when in the vertical. One cannot but agree that the perfect pair of legs must be proportional and I don’t mean in regard to each other silly. Proportional: as in from the top down. Whether they are fat or slim can be a turn-on or turn-off depending on what body type you prefer. Legs can be thin, heavy, long or short and still guys are thinking what they would feel like wrapped around their torso. After all, for each, his own. All said, there is indeed something about having a smooth feminine thigh touch against your rather ugly manly (and mostly hairy) leg that just drives home the obvious contrast between men and women. And that erotic contrast is an easy one to see when you compare a man’s leg to a woman’s! 

The true problem for this appreciation is when winter arrives. Suddenly, all those women with their bare legs out there for all the world to see are nowhere to be seen in the colder climes unless of course you live in a tropical country. I am just bemoaning the fact that it will usually is between 3 to 6 long wintry months before you can spend a lazy summer afternoon just admiring the legs of the pretty women of the world. 

I travel a lot you see. I was in sunny Thailand a few months ago, on business of course. The women do have nice legs in Thailand and you’ll find them aplenty. I guess it really is a prerequisite for living in a humid climate where you must have them out there all the time. But attractive legs really do not seem to be a regional phenomenon, I have found them all across the world, even in hostile snowy weather like Russia. For instance, when I was in St. Petersburg in March, I got to sample a little whiff of the legendary Russian winter. When I say cold, it’s not like anything you have felt elsewhere, it’s really freezing cold, the extreme kind of cold that would turn your balls blue! And yet, I was surprised to so many women of all ages, all covered up on top but in short skirts and big heels, flaunting their legs fashionably as if they were impervious below to the minus degree temperatures! I must also admit, Russia has the prettiest and hottest women of the planet that probably explains how Russian men (and tourists) weather the harsh winter & stay warm and happy! 

So, it brings down to the finding the perfect set of legs? I actually found them around 5 years ago in a sports club where I was a member. She was tall, cute and a brunette to boot. She helped train basketball during the summer and her husband was the coach. They were newlywed. I remember that she was really good, better than me, and had the most incredible pair of long slender legs. Perfectly tanned too, about as tall as her legs that is. She didn’t come back the next season though. Heard she had divorced her husband over the winter. Turned out she was a closet lesbian. Imagine that guys. The best fucking legs out there and they are wrapped around some girl’s head right now. Leg up, life truly is not fair.