Wonder Women Puberty Awakenings

How Old TV shows spark the incendiary first fires of teen sexuality

I noticed a petite beautiful brunette while riding the Metro today. It happens. Normally, I look over, I say to myself, "that's one hot mama," and I go back to reading the overrated novel for which I overpaid at the second-hand book shop. I consistently overpay. Okay, but I don't say ' hot mama'. 

But today, I had no book, and I was especially unable to accept any passing thought at face value. So I thought to myself, "Why do I find this woman attractive?" That, of course, can be answered in no one simple discourse, due to a wide array of possible influences - the physical, the psychological, the sociological, and so forth. But I realized that this lovely lady, who had so efficiently grabbed my attention from the sweet and naughty sound of her thighs gently skidding against the vinyl Metro seat, was especially alluring to me because of one thing - her resemblance to Erin Grey (Katherine "Kate" Summers Stratton), of the 80s situational comedy sitcom Silver Spoons fame. 

Then it hit me. Many of the incendiary sparks that kindled the first fires of my teen sexuality came from a single origin - watching re-runs of old television sitcoms with my aunt who had a peculiar penchant for watching these old shows. I suppose this should come as no surprise to a cable slave with a media-infested mind like myself, but pinpointing the various sources of my libidinous teen development proved both entertaining and enlightening. What's even more funnier is that most of these starlets are now grandmas. And let's be clear, I have no granny fetish! Anyway, the following involves a high degree of self-disclosure, but I will progress nonetheless, in chronological order.  

Maria from Sesame Street: Sonia Manzano, this Latin-American beauty captured my youthful schoolkid heart when it still could cry for a misunderstood woolly mammoth and the departing of an elderly shop keeper. With her bright smile and willingness to teach, she made me toddle back to the tube again and again. Sonia, now 70 played Maria on Sesame Street from 1971 until her departure in 2015. 

Wilma from The Flintstones: The brained beauty from the second-greatest TV cartoon of all time. Wilma’s intelligence and no-nonsense attitude, tempered by a sweetness lost on today's women, all packaged with a shock of red hair and a body that won't quit made me wonder why Fred would ever try to fool her, and why he and Barney spent so much time together with a fine piece like that at home. When she and Betty got together to make dino-cookies, I wished I was a rolling pin.

Wonder Woman: No not Gal Gadot, but Lynda Carter from the American live-action television series of the 70s. What can I say, Miss World USA Lynda Carter made me feel funny in a way for which I had no label until after puberty. It's a good thing she never threw the lasso of truth around me because I definitely would have ended up telling her how great her amazon woman tits were. Lynda is 68 now!

Vicki from The Love Boat: I believe she was the second entertainment director for the Spelling cruise, but blonde beauty Jill Whelan as Vicki Stubing, the daughter of Captain Stubing in the 70s hit cruise ship television series The Love Boat made love exciting and new for me when it truly was. I came aboard 9:00 PM every Saturday for carrom board and costume parties and Vicki. Jill is 53 now.

Daisy Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard: I know this is an obvious one, but for noobs, Catherine Bach, played the famous role in the late 70s – early 80s American television series The Dukes of Hazzard. After watching it, you can probably understand why hillbillies have a reputation for incest. If those shorts were any higher, I wouldn't have needed the sex education classes that were to follow in later years. I think she inspired my first little bitty teen erections. Catherine is 66 now.

Catwoman: Not Halle Berry but Julie Newmar, from the Batman TV series of the 1960s. Catwoman was more than just Meeooowww. helping me make the first associations between women and felines. A purrrfect template for the beginning of my understanding of female sexuality. She's hot, she's naughty, and she always takes Batman's bat-belt away. Holy hormones, Batman. Julie is 86 now.

Nellie Ruth "Nell" Harper from Gimme a Break: Don't laugh, Nell was a whole lotta woman, and boy, could she snare a man. Playing the motherly Black housekeeper for a widowed police chief and his three daughters in the 80s show, she showed me what a REAL woman wants - and she didn't take no guff from nobody. And I'm not alone - Joey Lawrence got his start as a leading man on that show- and look what a stud he turned out to be. Nell Carter passed away in 2003 aged 54.

Lauren from Family Ties: Before she became actually famous in Friends, Courtney Cox already inspired at least one 12 year old to make Friends. I made a new friend - she may just have been the first subject of my masturbatory fantasies. Incidentally, this hit 80s series in which she played Alex Keaton's Girlfriend, also featured Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Joseph Garden Levitt & Christina Applegate. Courtney is 56 now.

Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D: Even though still in my early teens, Wanda Plenn, the girlfriend (played by Lisa Dean Ryan) of the eponymous character in the early 90s series Doogie Howser, M.D. made me want to quit junior high and take up medical school. If I were Doogie, I'd have brought all kinds of medical equipment home for that little vixen. And you know Vinny watched them get down from his little window entrance all the time. I think Doogie liked it. Also, I believe Wanda to be the precursor to the later Neve Campbell craze. Lisa is 48 now.

Darlene Merriman from Head of the Class: Never saw anyone in high school that looked like Robin Givens, I'll tell you that but she was always nice to Arvid and Dennis. I still can't believe an honors student like her would go and ruin my fantasy world and marry Mike Tyson. I could talk your ear off about that...Perhaps the luscious redhead Simone played by the beautiful Khrystyne Haje is still available. btw, Robin is 55 now.

I think I started getting laid soon after that, but that wasn't really the case. However, I believe that any other TV women I found attractive after that were probably some conglomeration of what qualities this group brought to the table. If only I learned back then that if you're bored with a real woman, you can't just change the channel. 

Xena - Warrior Princess Reboot ?

Return of the sexy warrior

I know this is probably a hoax but watching Lucy Lawless as XENA again would be kick ass .   However, lets take this honestly - the 1968 born Lucy (seen last in Spartacus  CSI - Miami and Battlestar Galactica) is well past her prime for a reboot if ever there was one.

For those with poor memories, Xena: Warrior Princess was a successful sword and sorcery fantasy TV series of incredible popularity around the world in the mid 90s to early 2000s. Xena's character would change from sweet innocent girl, to ruthless conquerors of kingdoms and finally to warrior princess who defends the helpless and fights for justice on the side of the greater Good. 

Although the character was fairy-tale-like and very sexualized in her outfits and movements, many felt it was still important for girls to grow up with female role models like Xena because although she is a warrior princess, her power does not lie only in her weapons, but also in her heart and her mind. 

For them,  Xena embodies male and female principle in a well balanced form that makes her a perfect role mode so every victory in battle becomes an another victory against her inner "darker side" whatever..go watch, its old-style swordfest sexy fun!

Lost in Space

Galactically stupid but campy Sci-Fi fun 

For those of you too young (or were unborn like me then) to remember, Lost in Space was a reeking bucket of kiddie TV bait perpetrated by one Irwin Allen - TV producer, director of disaster movies, and nerf brain that aired between 1965 and 1968. 

The TV series was actually a sci-fi adaptation of the Johann David Wyss novel The Swiss Family Robinson. Its premise was that NASA had built a spaceship capable of reaching a nearby star, and to man the first expedition it chose an all-American family - one that demonstrated no observable skills, training, or intelligence. 

As expected in a plot of this kind, their flight is thrown off course by Dr. Smith - stowaway, saboteur, and flaming queen. They crash-land on a planet of cardboard boulders, where they encounter a nonstop parade of ludicrous aliens, and where they accept Dr. Smith into their family, despite the fact that he tries to kill them all on a weekly basis. 

Despite the cheesy nature of the whole affair, I got sucked into it when a friend loaned me an DVD set of the entire 3 series. Watching it reminded me when I was young and crazy about spaceships, robots and laser guns. The first series is lotsa fun but somewhere in the second series, you get the feeling that somebody is yanking your chain, as the plot gets crazier and preposterous.

Amazingly, I don't think this show was supposed to be a comedy. At least not at first. Eventually, those helming the series went with the flow and let it slide deeper into dopiness, and today the show has definite camp value.

For those who cant lay their hands on the TV series, you can watch the 1998, Stephen Hopkins directed big budget remake instead- with the same title Lost in Space. New Line Cinema apparently put a lot of eggs into this basket, giving it a reported budget of $80 million and a premium cast that includes William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Graham and Gary Oldman. 

In spite of being a OK box office success, you'll be judging if its a sci-fi action movie for laughs or a sci-fi life in peril drama you are watching. C'mon, the family-in-space idea is just too absurd to base a drama on. No matter how you snazz it up with top-drawer actors, expensive sets, and digital effects, the premise will and is still galactically stupid.

Anyway, I don't think many of us have better ways of waste our time so grab a popcorn, switch off your convictions and enjoy the show. No matter whether you watch the TV series or the Movie remake, its one hell of a campy sci-fi fun!