Friday, July 24, 2009

Bye Bye Valentine

9 Clever Ideas to Dump Your Girlfriend!

That electric chemistry that used to prompt armloads of chocolates & red roses and sweet nothings over candlelit dinners has evaporated from your current relationship. These days you buy wilted flowers when her hints for floral tributes become too trying and dinner is a cheap KFC take-away. You can’t take it anymore so time to bail out, buddy, before she draws blood.

These 9 ideas might not win appreciation but, hey, why care about it? You'll be free-even if you're forced to move to another town to enjoy and flaunt your born again Single status.

1. Mr. Family Guy
Wear through the knees of your trousers imploring her to make an honest man of you and she'll be forced to do some serious thinking. At this point she will metamorphose into her mother, adding up your future prospects on her inbuilt computer, and you're bound to fall short of the mark. You're male, after all.

Dump Rate: Pretty good. Just make sure she's not one of the sentimental throwbacks to before the female revolution whose only mission in life is to find the perfect idiot to look after her and pay the bills while she raises 2,3 offsprings and lies about in fluffy, bunny-eared slippers comparing notes with the next-door neighbour about what heels they're hitched to.

How you'll appear: Old-fashioned but well-intentioned.

2. Separate Vacations
Announce suddenly that you need breathing space and you've booked yourself a one week break in a sun-kissed pleasure spot at Thailand. Before you go, leave glossy brochures of gorgeous, scantily-clad or possibly nude sunbathers lying around in obvious places that you intend to visit, ditto articles on sex tourism clipped from magazines that she could see. Arrange for someone to mail you a series of postcards reading "I miss you, Darling", “Thanks for the unforgettable sexperience" and "When are you coming back?" and signed with cryptic initials or, better still, a red lipstick kiss. Do the kiss yourself if you have to - it's in a noble cause.

Dump Rate: First-class. The resulting suspicion will allow you to take the high moral ground - ("What! Me? How could you even think about me like this?") and you’ll get to enjoy a holiday in sunny climes. Who knows, if your luck holds, you might not even have to fake those postcards.

How you'll appear: Not great. In fact you'll look like the calculating SOB you really are.

3. Shared Vacations
As a separation strategy, this one's near perfection. What could be easier - or more fun? Spend your time lasciviously ogling at all the female flesh on display - except hers. Gulp as much alcohol as you can, carp at everything about the culture and practices of the locals and don't wash or shave for the entire duration of the holiday.

Dump Rate: Excellent. Fights about which sightseeing trips to go on and your drunken lechery should lead to an irreconcilable split in double-quick time. Just make sure you keep your own passport and air ticket - there's nothing quite as venomous as a woman scorned and you don't want to be celebrating singledom in a foreign jail, fending off advances from hairy-chested fellow inmates.

How you'll appear: A right stinker, in more ways than one. Then again, there won't be much to distinguish you from all the other drunken, loutish holidaymakers.

4. The New Age Guru
There's just one thing more horrible than a sinner - a saint so hire a hermit and start a "Om Shanti” club for fellow would-be New Agers. Speak in an identical, muffled monotone and smile all the time. No self-respecting woman wants a guy with a permanent halo around his head, so try: marking up your talks with "hari om" and "hare krishna" and carry a rosary always. Stare into her eyes as though you are Tom Hanks and you have found the Holy Grail. Wear batik-print saffron shirts and sarongs with no footwear and swear off all earthly pleasures - that means no ciggies, no booze, no sex and no meat - but almonds, oats and fruits, old man. You're about to become celibate and discover 100 unspeakable things to do with lentils and tofu. Repeat the mantra "It's all for a higher cause".

Dump Rate: Great. No woman with shaved armpits and an ounce of ambition will put up with a sweaty, sexless, lentil-guzzling moron with no personality for longer than it takes her to ring for a taxi.

How you'll appear: Nauseating. Try "crazy" "outsider," "oddball" oh, and "disliked". You're going to lose more than just your girlfriend you've outgrown with this tactic. Perhaps you could apply for a job packing apples in Bhutan.

5. The Dirty Slob
This is another fun one. Just do lots more of all the anti-social things she's tried in vain to cure you of - get drunk, pick up fights and throw up on people's shoes, pick your nose in public and belch and pass wind thunderously. Oh, and stop using your antidandruff "Head & Shoulders" shampoo.

Dump Rate: Explosive. No one, not even a Man can put up with this for long.

How you'll appear: Pretty much like the average male, but you might have difficulty finding another girlfriend when word gets out about your muesli-flake dandruff problem.

6. The SMS Dump
Forget long and tortuous severance by telephone. Just sms her a concisely worded electronic memo. Try: "You're history" or "Don't call me and I won't call you. PS: please return the engagement ring by courier, I might need it."

Dump Rate: Couldn't be better. You’ll avoid tedious verbal harangues and bodily harm (yours), and freedom is just a send button away. The ring might prove a bit tricky, but then you've got to be philosophical and offset it against the gold watch she gave you for your birthday besides all the money you'll save on takeaways, chocolates and flowers.

How you'll appear: Pretty darned bad. Downright cowardly, in fact but who's complaining?

7. A Friend In Deed
This one's a bit tricky to set up, but it pays dividends. First, you need a good buddy-maybe the one who's resented the fact that she keeps you away from cricket matches and booze-ups with the boys. Get him to plant seeds of doubt in her mind about your fidelity. A couple of lipstick marks on your collar would be handy, so nick her lipstick again. It'll be the last time you’ll have to endure the torture, promise.

Dump Rate: Er. Average. She might defend you reputation tooth and claw, or, worse still, run off with your buddy. You'd really miss him.

How you'll appear: A fool if she chooses the latter option. On the upside, maybe his ex-girlfriend, one with the triple D assets, will offer them to you to cry on.

8. Vanishing Act
Leave. Disappear. That's it. Pack your bag and your DVD collection when she's at work and vamoose without trace, leaving a scummy ring around the bathtub, a bit of used toothpaste on the washbasin and if you care, “Sorry, forget me, its over” on a Post-it note.

Dump Rate: Watertight. Let's just hope she notices you've left.

How you’ll appear: You won't. You've vanished, you see!

9. Get Caught Red-Handed
Buy a jumbo pack of vibrating and flavored condoms and leave them in the pockets of your jeans, the room cabinet, the car's cubby hole, as bookmarks in the erotic thriller you're reading. Stay out all night and phone with a really weak excuse, preferably from inside a porn theatre so that she can hear the ums and moans. Start claiming exhaustion when she wants you to do it. And smell of a popular women’s perfume other than the one she uses.

Dump Rate: 100-percent. And you get to have lots of dirty fun while you're waiting to get caught.

How you'll appear: Bad. But lots of women like a bad boy, and most of your mates will speculate that there must have been something wrong with her if you had to look elsewhere.

This Blogpost has been Selected For Blog Adda's 'Tangy Tuesdays'.

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  1. LOL. How did I end up missing this post? Absolutely hilarious. Now the real question would be, have you put any of the above into practice? :P I've heard of some pretty creative ways to dump your gf, but these 9 are hilariously innovative.

    "No woman with shaved armpits and an ounce of ambition will put up with a sweaty, sexless, lentil-guzzling moron with no personality for longer than it takes her to ring for a taxi."

    I actually laughed out loud. Great post!


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