Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Ravenous (1999)

You are what you eat! Revisiting the underrated cannibal cult classic

Plagued by controversy during the production with original Macedonian art house director Milcho Manchevski (Before the Rain/1994) walking out due to studio differences with Laura Ziskin, this hugely underrated gruesome satire starring Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle was to be then directed by Raja Gosnell who at that time only had Home Alone 3 to his credit. Ziskin's choice however, was outright rejected by the stellar cast and on Carlyle's insistence, his close friend a largely unknown British film maker Antonia Bird was eventually called in to helm Ravenous. And what a fantastic choice she was! 

A bewildering cannibalistic western that blends colonial American history with pockets of black humor and naked satire; it's one of those genre-defying strange films that make you unsure of whether to laugh or cringe, so you frequently end up doing both. Surprisingly, Ravenous largely received mixed reviews when it released and performed dismally at the US box office just scraping around $2 million against a reported budget of $12 million, but over the years, this weird little horror gem has now achieved a cult following and is getting the rightful attention it actually deserves.

Set amidst the bloody Mexican-American War (1846 – 1848), the mesmerizing screenplay by Ted Griffin (Ocean 11) melds the supernatural Native American myth of the Wendigo whose appetite for human flesh is insatiable and is the source of its strength with real historical references like the Donner Party - Alferd Packer cannibalism to create an alluringly savage satire on American capitalism, colonialism, over-consumption and greed. Like the Wendigo, this is a 'on your face' bloody take on the voracious locust-like history of the America's brutal past. 

Staying true to this grim motive, the main character, Second Lieutenant John Boyd (Guy Pearce), is shown as a coward who is sent to an outpost manned by a handful of soldiers during the Mexican-American war. When a ragged man F.W. Colqhoun (Robert Carlyle) stumbles in from the cold and reveals that his fellow travelers resorted to cannibalism when they became snowbound, the commanding officer (Jeffrey Jones) decides to go on a rescue mission. 

The story that follows seems almost predictable, but never stops when you expect it to, with characters popping in and out at the most inopportune times for Boyd and the most unexpected times for us. And that's where lies its magnetic (and grisly) dark charm. 

Guy Pearce is sublime as the weak but upright Boyd; he has surprisingly few lines of dialogue, but his character is intriguing and complex. Carlyle is menacingly superb while Jones and David Arquette provide adequate support. The costumes and makeup are top notch; the mood of the film palpably dense throughout and the bleak landscape shot in Mexico and Slovakia, with its dirty snow and patches of dirt, contributes to the sense of deep isolation and dread that Boyd feels when no one believes his tales of the Wendigo. There is, of course, plenty of foreboding suspense and a lot of blood and gore but its all done with great panache.

Part of the feel good credit undoubtedly goes to the haunting music that permeates throughout the movie. The evocative score, a splendid collaboration between Damon Albarn, the lead singer of  Brit pop band - Blur and Michael Nyman (Piano) elevates Ravenous to an entirely different level adding a surreal omnipresent tone to all the macabre happenings Boyd (and us) have to witness. Nonetheless, it is still appropriately weird, stunning on its own but not at all what you might expect the music of cannibalism and violent death to sound like.

Ravenous is a fantastic example of splendid movie making but horrendous movie marketing. A Hollywood paradox that's sadly yet to be fixed. Until then, see Ravenous again like I did, its still a refreshing watch and the music is a big plus. And for those of you who haven't seen it yet, the time is now especially if you like delicious blood soaked horror! Bon Appetit!  

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Dating Advice for the Women of the World

Dating shouldn't be a guessing game. Saying a simple Yes or No is all that matters!

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So please, please, ladies when you get asked out, talk in a straight line. Say what you mean in twenty-five words or less. It's best for everybody involved. Chaos theorists say that the more moving parts in a system, the more difficult it is to predict outcomes. So sex is like math. Keep it simple.

I've been told some astonishing lies and disinformation for no reason at all.  I accept "No thank yous," with good grace, but being made to feel like Alice talking to the Caterpillar infuriates me.

For example, a common approach in my circles is to encounter a woman at a place or function, like a club, play, beach, or bar. Maybe this is the first time you've met her, maybe not. You make friends with her at the function and, when the curtain falls or last call is announced, you say, "Would you like to go for coffee? Drinks? Dinner? Ice cream?"  The idea is that you will take her off to a more intimate setting, just the two of you, where you can showcase your wit and sensuality to each other and see if this is going to develop.

Answers I DO NOT GET include, "No thank you," "I already have a boyfriend," "I'm not looking for a relationship, but thanks," "I'm a lesbian," "You hideous freak, I would rather roll naked in maggots." All these answers share the common elements of clarity and sincerity. There is little room for misunderstanding with any of these answers. If I got any of these answers, I'd walk away a little disappointed but feeling that I'd gotten a square deal.

Answers I DO GET include, "Sure! I'll just go tell my friends!" - delivered with a friendly smile. Then she disappears into the crowd and never returns.  "Oh, I have to drive my two friends home. Where are you going to be afterwards?"

I reply, "I was going to go home... but, I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and once you get your friends home you can call me and we'll figure something out."

She never calls.

My friend told me a story where a woman accepted his dinner invitation, named a date and time, gave him directions to her house, took his phone number, gave hers. When he arrived at the address at the arranged time, the house was dark and the driveway was empty.

What's wrong with "No thanks."?

If you don't want to go on the date, just say "No."  Okay, maybe you don't want to be that blunt; you want to spare his feelings. So, you could say, "Gee, I just don't have the time."  Trust me, it's like a bullet through the back of the head.  Lights out.  Didn't hurt.  It's the best thing under the circumstances.

But saying, "Sure, just give me a call!"  And, then dodging his messages, is like sealing a bulkhead on a submarine. He gets to spend two days coming to the realization that he's a big fucking idiot for ever thinking that you were telling the truth. And furthermore, once a guy gets poked in the eye two or four times with this particular stick, it tends to make him edgy and untrusting, and some poor woman down the line who did show up for dinner and drinks is going to be saying, "Why don't you ever tell me what you're feeling?"  So, think of that future woman, at least.

Some men, of course, can't take a straight "No" for an answer, and will keep pestering you about it, turning up in your favorite bars or at your work and repeating themselves, figuring blindly that you said "No" the first five times but the sixth time you're going to crack. My advice, pepper spray that guy, then kick him in the nuts - he'll probably figure it out after that.

And by the way, if you want to go on the date, just say, "Yes! Thursday, seven o'clock?" Don't play hard to get, because anti-stalking laws prohibit us from pursuing that. And any man who thinks you're a slut for agreeing to what he just proposed is a small-minded boob. Discard him immediately. 

So this is universal masculinity (embodied by my humble pen) reaching out to you, the women of the world, with a plea to talk in a straight line, and please teach your friends and  daughters to do the same. The suffering and misunderstandings and accidental charges for criminal stalking or sexual harassment that will be saved in future generations will be immeasurable. No to mention, what a great stride this would be for ongoing diplomatic negotiations between the sexes.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Finding a Soul in a Soulless World

The death of Society is real but it needn't be the end

We live in a diffused, fractured society where we are trained to do whatever is necessary to succeed. Climbing the corporate ladder ranks higher than wrestling with the myriad moral and ethical questions that arise during that ascent. Maneuvering to get another's job or to win a treasured promotion is standard operating procedure among the upwardly mobile segments of the population. 

To rationalize this approach by citing family concerns, bills, survival, status, etc is to cleverly elevate the self while disregarding a greater responsibility to the moral fabric of the community. Young people maturing in such an amoral environment are vulnerable to the inherent contradictions and inconsistencies. The adult world practices a creed of avarice and acquisition ignoring the consequences of such blind depravity. Homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, poverty, racism, and general emotional despair decorate a nation intent on propagating spiritual negligence. 

Are there no opportunities for those persons endowed with conscience? Must an individual, in order to feed himself and his family, sell himself to whichever godless corporation that will take him? Why must the truly compassionate be forced off the mainstream into low-paying jobs with non-profit organizations? Why do we raise our children to submit to the soulless 9-to-6 rat race mentality? 

Are we so lacking in moral conviction, imagination, and inspiration that we do not demand alternatives? Are we so frozen in fear of authority, of challenging the status quo, of the risk of losing our financial stability that we willingly aid and abet the spiritually bankrupt nature of the job market? 

Why do we not take a stand against greed, corruption, ruthlessness, insensitivity, and egocentric behavior ?. The human consciousness is so muddled and confused that the entire human race creates for itself problem after problem after problem. We were granted the privilege to populate a most beautiful and bountiful planet. The richness and diversity of both fauna and flora, the incandescent azure, aqua, ebony, sepia, emerald, ocher, magenta, scarlet, and amber, the luminous fragrance of a midnight moon or a sunny sea breeze, the kitten's soft, ticklish coat or icy snowflakes on a wintry afternoon, and the lions's roar of ocean surf crashing upon rocks or the buzzing bumblebee dancing from flower to flower comprise the sensual wonderland of our world. 

Instead of rejoicing together in this vast splendor and frolicking amongst ourselves in childlike purity, we choose to establish boundaries, to rape and pillage the planet and each other. Our history is one episode of domination after another with one society enslaving another or one culture suppressing another. Human beings have little interest in sharing and collaborating. Each seems driven to ennoble his own peculiar pettiness at the expense of others. If god is there, he must sometimes wonder why He allowed such lowly evolved creatures to ruin one of his most exquisite creations. 

We live in a society that determines a person's value based on his financial status and his willingness to conform to pre-set standards. Economic viability and conventionality rank higher than compassion, kindness, and tolerance. Those who strive for uniqueness and who tend to diverge from the mainstream find censure and ostracism as their reward. 

Since the vast majority of the population is without deep-rooted conviction, anyone exhibiting such conviction is viewed as a threat. If this individual also chooses a rather unconventional lifestyle, he is viewed not only as a weirdo eccentric but as a dangerous element that must be dealt with accordingly. 

Socrates drank hemlock; Martin Luther King ate lead. Society is most unforgiving when its arbitrary status quo is in jeopardy. A child will incur his parents' wrath if he adopts values that are incomprehensible to them. There is tremendous societal pressure to fit into a greedy, self-aggrandizing slot. 

To listen to one's conscience without compromise guarantees unending ridicule and persecution. To be a light in a dark world generates malice and animosity from the mediocre masses who hide behind walls of corruption, paranoia and condemnation. Still, its never too late to change the path! Choose wisely, live purposefully! Truth always has a value. GM

Friday, September 29, 2017

Building a Blogger Community

Uniting Movie and Music Bloggers across the world

Two years ago, sometime in March, I wrote to all my fellow movie bloggers about starting a new website for the Movie Bloggers Network. For those unaware, the Movie Bloggers Network is a movie lovers community of movie bloggers, movie critics, film makers, actors and film fans I founded in 2012 along with the Music Bloggers Network, an identical community but aimed at the music scene. Rather too ambitiously, I also invited all of 'em to register their movie blogs. And yet almost 27 months later, I have to sheepishly admit I failed. Yeah, it sucks to admit defeat. 

Well, at least I didn’t get it off the ground I originally intended to. I suppose it's largely my own fault. Rotten planning, running a creative agency (that’s my full time job), too many distractions, too much travel and an unwilling investor. Or maybe I should blame the self-defeating desire that most of us have – do more than you actually can and being a perfectionist, doesn’t help either. Now it's going to be October and once again, the feeling of unfinished resolutions is overwhelming. 

This seems to happen to me every year, especially around my birthday. June is supposed to be a time when my world of work takes a back seat to leisure and laziness! Yet every year, I end up swamped with deadlines - which means that I spend much of the month hunched over my laptop with the calendar reminding me - hurry up, you are late, half a year is already over. 

Though I generally try not to focus too heavily on the business side of the Movie Bloggers Network, I hope you’ll all agree that maintaining a website is, ultimately a financial cost plus the time and concerted effort to keep it fresh. Particularly in these tough economic times, when newspapers are filled with grim tales of corporate implosions, I felt it's was very important to keep all of my fellow blogger up to date on news from my mother ship and mailed all of em about the unfortunate slow progress. This post is actually an extension of that original mail.

Anyway, if this sounds like a depressing setup for some sort of grim announcement, relax! The good news is that I have finally got traction for the new site and not just one but two. One for the Movie Bloggers Network and one for the Music Bloggers Network. 

Without much fanfare, I have been working with my small but devoted crew since December 2016 in creating a fresh new website and a mobile app too that hopefully every music & movie blogger and every music and movie fan will love. So if you've already registered your blog for the new website, its time now for you to send us your photograph (nice pics please), your updated web and social links including your facebook profile, your facebook fanpage (if you have one), twitter, youtube, instagram, etc) to let us know how famous you are, a short bio about yourself (in third person voice) describing all that's good about you and anything else you want the world to know. 

For those who are yet to register, the time is now to join us and become part of a new movie influencer and music influencer community. So, if you are a movie blogger, register here and if you are a music blogger, register here. And do help me spread the word around by tweeting, sharing and liking and anything else across the social space.

Regardless, if you're taking it easy this month, please savor the time. Think of me staring at a flashing cursor, and I'll picture you at the beach with warm sand running between your toes. And I'll try not to feel resentful. In the meantime, I promise to stay in touch and blog more often. And, as always, I remain grateful for your support, suggestions and feedback. Onwards and upwards.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Wintry Leg Blues

Why winter is bad for a shameless leg addict

A long winter is awaiting. Summer has come to an end (well almost) and with it, the never-ending search for the perfect pair of legs. A lot of guys call themselves breast men or booty lovers! Boobs, hooters, ass.. whatever you want to call; it is what gets their rotor in action. I am not patronizing nor am I a sexist but you can’t see getting all hot and excited on a lazy afternoon over something that women keep mostly covered up no matter what the temperature. But legs, think about it, they are generally out there, bare and beautiful and often neglected from the male psyche unless he is clearly into leg fetish. 

I think more guys are leg men then they would think of themselves like that. Breasts really require a certain amount of mass, a critical mass or a shape you could say, to reach a true erotic enticement for men. And asses are just too all over the place to find a lot of very attractive ones. Usually a woman’s, any woman’s, most attractive part, or at least the part most easily made attractive, are her legs. An expensive pair of nylons (and they are all expensive) can hide a lot of flaws. A short skirt, no matter what it is revealing, catches every guys eye. 

A good friend commented, he recently shaved his girlfriend’s legs for her! Yeah, he did. He lost a bet and she put him to work for the day, not exactly a worst gig if you think! In the end, he made his girl happy, got the full appreciation for having her legs just as smooth as he liked, and it was not much work apparently. A lot easier than shaving our man face, he told me. 

I’m making this much more personal than I intended but legs sometimes just drive me crazy. Maybe it is the knowledge of what treasure lies at the conjunction of the two beautiful rods or the beauty of two legs flailing uncontrollably in the air behind my back. You just don’t get that much in the winter though. Most everything is done under the sheets in the winter making for much constriction and zero views. Many women cannot stand to be cold no matter how hot you make her... Maybe you should try turning the heat up in the room heater. 

So, it’s obvious to assume that I also have a fascination (not a fetish) with a certain aspect of the female form (and just the boobs or the ass). That which keeps us upright or serves to hold us tightly to each other when in the vertical. One cannot but agree that the perfect pair of legs must be proportional and I don’t mean in regard to each other silly. Proportional: as in from the top down. Whether they are fat or slim can be a turn-on or turn-off depending on what body type you prefer. Legs can be thin, heavy, long or short and still guys are thinking what they would feel like wrapped around their torso. After all, for each, his own. All said, there is indeed something about having a smooth feminine thigh touch against your rather ugly manly (and mostly hairy) leg that just drives home the obvious contrast between men and women. And that erotic contrast is an easy one to see when you compare a man’s leg to a woman’s! 

The true problem for this appreciation is when winter arrives. Suddenly, all those women with their bare legs out there for all the world to see are nowhere to be seen in the colder climes unless of course you live in a tropical country. I am just bemoaning the fact that it will usually is between 3 to 6 long wintry months before you can spend a lazy summer afternoon just admiring the legs of the pretty women of the world. 

I travel a lot you see. I was in sunny Thailand a few months ago, on business of course. The women do have nice legs in Thailand and you’ll find them aplenty. I guess it really is a prerequisite for living in a humid climate where you must have them out there all the time. But attractive legs really do not seem to be a regional phenomenon, I have found them all across the world, even in hostile snowy weather like Russia. For instance, when I was in St. Petersburg in March, I got to sample a little whiff of the legendary Russian winter. When I say cold, it’s not like anything you have felt elsewhere, it’s really freezing cold, the extreme kind of cold that would turn your balls blue! And yet, I was surprised to so many women of all ages, all covered up on top but in short skirts and big heels, flaunting their legs fashionably as if they were impervious below to the minus degree temperatures! I must also admit, Russia has the prettiest and hottest women of the planet that probably explains how Russian men (and tourists) weather the harsh winter & stay warm and happy! 

So, it brings down to the finding the perfect set of legs? I actually found them around 5 years ago in a sports club where I was a member. She was tall, cute and a brunette to boot. She helped train basketball during the summer and her husband was the coach. They were newlywed. I remember that she was really good, better than me, and had the most incredible pair of long slender legs. Perfectly tanned too, about as tall as her legs that is. She didn’t come back the next season though. Heard she had divorced her husband over the winter. Turned out she was a closet lesbian. Imagine that guys. The best fucking legs out there and they are wrapped around some girl’s head right now. Leg up, life truly is not fair.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

What's love got to do with it?

Loving and Living in a selfish world

Gazing down the airplane window, trying to distract myself from the impending take off, I pondered about a TV documentary I had just finished watching on my phone before boarding. Interestingly, it was about an aspect of human existence I haven't spent much time considering, that is, until lately - on the hows and whys and whens - of love, of sex, of lust, of the more basic physical instincts that men and women grapple with, of relationships. 

So much so in fact, that the subject of "love" has been amazingly neglected. Maybe what the author said was true. I suppose in many respects I have also become a little jaded and cynical when it comes to what "love" is all about anyway... I mean, what does love have to do with sex, and vice versa... Can anyone really explain it? And, when do you really distinguish between the two?

How many times have you heard people say - "When you're in love with someone, you'll just know it..." Know what? Know how? Know when? They never seem to explain "it" and most of us - I'd wager - would have a hard time verbalizing exactly what "it" is... So I ask you now - what is love? If that isn't the most open-ended question on the planet at this moment - I don't know what would be!

Throughout history reams and reams of paper and countless barrels of ink have been expended by those in search of in explanation of  love...  Shakespeare wrote "Live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove, That hills and valleys, dales and fields, And all the craggy mountains yields..." Perhaps Shakespeare knew what love had to do with "it". Perhaps if he was still alive and kicking he could enlighten the rest of us - who can say...

Hollywood has made more than its fair share of attempts at interpreting love on the big screen over the years - From Here to Eternity and Casablanca are only a few of the classic films that come to mind. Even today in this post modern century, everyone still seems to be in search of "it." I remember reading an old article in Salon magazine by Barry Sullivan, a series of essays written on spending 34 years making love to and loving the same woman... Is Mr. Sullivan an anomaly? Is long-term "love" a generational thing, and have we forgotten how it works in this day and age - or did we ever know?

I believe the sole answer to all of the preceding questions is quite simply "No." How many of us with parents still living (and still married after 30, 40, even 50 years) can look at them and know they are, in fact, truly happy - or they have never cheated - or have they just acquiesced to an existence of tolerating each other, of a life time of disengagement because being engaged with each other ceased to be a passion for them long ago... I'd bet the scales are tipped pretty evenly in that regard.

Love wins out sometimes, other times - it does not. Pity, most of us still look for the flaws in the person who loves us instead of rejoicing in their love. Selfishly, we get more interested in stuff like money, looks, age, race and so many other things that we entirely forget why we even fell in love with that person. We only want to accept and have the love we think we deserve. 

Perhaps the one thing that can be said - is that when you do happen to stumble upon love - or it stumbles upon you - and you do inexplicably know - cherish it, hold it, revel in it - because just like the weeds that invade and strangle bright blossoming gardens, love will leave you, if don't care for it...if you don't protect it..if you don't respect it.

All these musings as usual, provide more questions than answers - but that's part of life that makes you think, think, think... I hope at the very least we are continuing to do that - even if we are habitually late and ignorant in recognizing true love when it comes to us on a platter. Like someone said, being ignored by someone who's attention means the world to you is the worst feeling ever.

I am a pessimist when it comes to love but I still believe we must like living each day to its fullest all the time and find and cherish the love we find. Maybe, we should all enjoy life while you're at it! Just because the summer of love slipped away and the winter of loneliness is on the way, is no excuse for staying cooped up and forgetting how to - live...and love and try again. Try it sometime and I think you'll quickly become addicted. 

Saturday, December 3, 2016

10 Stages of Drinking

Exploring the fine art of Alcohol Consumption

Everybody loves a drunk. Whether it be the melancholy humor of W.C. Fields, the dignified swagger of Dean Martin, or the testosterone bravado of Vin Diesel... well, nearly for every good drunk, the traits tell no lies. 

If you can suck down a six-pack of Budweiser through a funnel that 24 hours earlier served as the entry point for transmission fluid into a Dodge Charger and then wipe your chin and belch your Social Security number, let's face it, you're as cool as you need to be.

My old 64-ounce Budweiser stein has grown a bit dusty, and I've become accustomed to a highball glass filled with something dark mixed with something bubbly. Soon, I imagine I'll move up to straight scotch, or maybe martinis, although I refuse to sell myself into the ever trending martini craze. Thirty something adults acting like old sixty something adults is almost as silly looking as the opposite, a sort of mid-life crisis, if you will. 

I like drinking. I had stopped but its begun again. I think I am getting good at it. And not just the "I can drink forty eight beers and not die" good. I do it quite well. If I could make money drinking, I'd get bonuses. Quarterly.

I know alcohol is an addictive drug too. However, sometimes there's a little part of me that, I don't know, distracts the thinking part of me and sort of seduces me into getting ugly, bleached, stinking, three-sheets duhrunk. It happens all the time, to all of us. But as i told you before, I'm getting good at this too, and I've learned and mastered the stages. With expert help from ace researchers, who have taken painstaking notes and measurements of this drunken state of mind, I have gotten blotto down to a science which I am calling the fine art of consumption.

Stage 1: The Refusing
It holds true that the evenings I begin by refusing the first few drinks offered me are the ones where I end up emptying a fifth of Absolut. So take note, if you don't feel like drinking, either have one right away to take the edge off, or call a cab before the nightmare ensues. This is one of the most overlooked stages, which is a shame because early prevention is so key.

Stage 2: The Relaxing
After the first two drinks I'm in my normal routine, just hanging out, being smooth, having a good time, taking a load off. The most deceptive of the stages, stage two is almost always mistaken for a nice night out with friends.

Stage 3: The Reveling
Usually accompanied by erratic (and stupid) dancing, this stage is the latter of my normal drinking routine. By this time, I'm feeling great, not quite invincible, but definitely a few pounds lighter. If I go straight home after this stage, I've done my job.

Stage 4: The Ranting
I'm not sure why, but at some point my speech becomes littered with the "F" word. Without fail. And my proximity to the public rarely puts any restraint on it. Also, I tend to get a little mean here. Requests of "Excuse me sir, could you keep it down" are usually met with, "First of all, shave your back..." and so on. This is still a familiar stage though, and there are quite a few of us who can recognize it, or, this late in the game, have it recognized for us, and retreat back to the safety of our homes before we embarrass everyone or at least receive a good pummeling. Sometimes, I get all intellectual and talk like Noam Chomsky. 

Stage 5: The Shrinking
The first of the unrecognizable or "too late" stages, shrinking can only be detected by the shrinkee, and, thus, rarely gets caught in time. Every once in a while, I can spot shrinking. People get bigger, words get bigger, the ground gets bigger, yet I am powerless to stop it. In a most fascinating aside, the stages have begun to speed up drastically at this point, actually breaking several laws of physics.

Stage 6: The Crying
Don't laugh. And stop acting like it never happens to you. This is probably the most vulnerable point in human existence short of birth. It doesn't happen every time, but if ANY amount of tequila has made its way onto my menu, I end up weeping profusely. Usually about deep things like my life or a lost friend, but also stupid things like never having become a Pilot or the being angry at the kid who broke the egg statue I made for my mom in the second grade.

Stage 7: The Bargaining
"Oh God, oh Buddha,  just let me throw up. I promise I'll..."

Stage 8: The Regurgitating
Look, you know it's coming. Don't make it such a big deal. Go to the bathroom, find a stall, and jump up and down in place. This usually gets it all out in one... heave. I know, it's disgusting, and I honestly hope you're not eating lunch or anything while you're reading this, but it's the dark fact of the social drinker. Sooner or later it's you. Note: If you've found that special someone to hold your hair, don't ever let them go.

Stage 9: The Bargaining (reprise)
"Oh God, just let me stop throwing up. I promise I'll..."

Stage 10: The Napping
I prefer to call it napping. After a hard night getting all tanked up and putting friendships and relationships and your general health on the line, you need some rest. So get home and get tucked in. And believe me, even insomniacs like me cant fight the napping power of alcohol.

These are the things society doesn't tell you. It's hard to imagine W.C. Fields bargaining, Dean Martin crying, or Vin Diesel refusing, but it happens. It happens a lot. So now, when you get set to go on that bender, you'll be prepared. And if I see you out there, let me know if I've made a difference. Unless of course I'm at stage four. Then just leave me alone until stage six, at which point I'll have all the love in the world for you.

To happy (and safe) drinking! J & W

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