Thursday, July 5, 2012
Advice for my Mysterious Chat Friend !
I had this interesting and uncanny chat with a blog reader today. She wanted me to write more about women – apparently, she seemed to like my “womencentric” posts. Now, if you are not bored with my self-flattery, we slowly started discussing things off-topic and more personal – about possessiveness, jealousy, domestic violence, obsession, those kind of things. One thing that we spent a long time on was whether it's possible to love someone to the point of morbid obsessive fear? I don’t know and didn’t ask if she was in such a relationship – it would have felt awkward but I think I should have. Something tells me she is in some kind of a problem so this post is directed to her (if she is reading this).
We all agree that in a relationship, there is a definite amount of possessiveness that goes along with that. We say or think "This is the woman that I love. It's mine, and I want to protect my emotional investment in it." The previous statement applies to both people and objects. This way lies possessive jealousy and that can be a very normal response. Problems occur, however, when possessiveness and the behavior around it, are taken to extremes. And this can happen in relationships with both objects and people. The man who hides away his DVD collection in a fireproof vault with a laser security system and explosives on the floor of the underground chamber is being a tad overzealous with the protection of his DVDs.
In the same light, the same can happen in a relationship with two people, where one partner can act in such a way as to control, stalk and abuse. One could try and see that the other doesn't have any other friends, or can't get out and be with other people without letting the "possessive partner" know exactly where they're going, how long they'll be there, who there with, and perhaps going into a sulk if they don't want the partner going. Or worse.
I don't want to make direct recommendations about what people should do. But if you're in a relationship and feeling 'possessed' by the other person, it might be a good time to reexamine that relationship. I am always an advocate of giving people a second chance, so trying to explain to a partner, husband, wife, lover.. how one feels, and asking for a change in that behavior might be helpful..
And to whoever reads this column, (including my chat friend), if you feel for the first moment the other partner in the relationship might have some sort of extreme or violent reaction to a request to not be so possessive, immediately seek local help: a parent, a brother or sister, a friend, a professional psychologist or a relationship counselor, or whatever - for yourself and your partner. Not an anonymous, immature, blogger on the Internet like me. Extreme reactions to obsessive love can be dangerous and life-threatening. Beware and take care!!