Sunday, September 4, 2011
Last night, I watched 3 Horror movies back 2 back – Paris Hilton’s tepid House Of Wax (2005), the Norwegian Dead Snow (2009) featuring resurrected Nazi Zombies and the rather well made, Giallo inspired Italian slasher Deliria (1987). But the one common strand in all the three – were mostly stupid people doing utterly unintelligent things and consequently getting killed, maimed, abused and mutilated or being subjected to even more gruesome ordeals.
So far as I can tell, there are some basic common sense rules which all people (not just pubescent teens) ought to observe, pretty much all the time, in cinema or in every day reality – that can save their lives from demons, ogres, maniacs, psychopaths, serial killers, aliens, monsters and their many assorted kinds
So, here are the Top 20 Rules (you need to remember) to save yourself.
1. Always keep kitchen knives sharpened but out of easy reach of little green things from Mars, monsters and homicidal psychopaths.
2. As a general rule, it is an insanely bad (and very stupid) idea to complete any puzzle named Hellraiser and not expect to open a portal to Hell.
3. Be prepared. Always carry a sacred talisman – like a rosary, a crucifix, a wooden stake or a loaded pistol with silver bullets. There's always someone you can offend or defend yourself from with one or all of these.
4. Dont accept clandestine dates from strangers with unusually pointed teeth and glowing blue eyes, no matter how twilight hot they look or how cool their outfit is.
5. Never wear sexy clothes or lingerie on a night out in the woods unless you wish to awaken sex starved fiends waiting for a soul mate.
6. Don't wear unusable shoes or stilettos to go walking in the woods, especially if the forest is near a mental asylum.
7. Even if you feel sympathetic, don't give a free ride to a hitcher on a deserted highway. It might be your last ride of your life.
8. Flashlights need batteries, guns need bullets, brains need to be used, at least when your survival is at stake.
9. Don’t stay in old abandoned houses or morbid motels which have "a fascinating past" or which are run by guys named Norman, Jason or Freddy!
10. If the creepy, ghostly voice tells you to “go” or "get out!”, pls heed its advice.
11. If the door is locked and sealed with bizarre, mysterious and magical symbols, you probably shouldn't open it, no matter how much treasure you think is on the other side.
12. If the heavy-breather on the phone has a funereal voice, chances are good that he's calling from one. And don't accept collect calls from the dead either: you might be accepting fatal consequences.
13. If the weird noise coming from the window turns out to be your pet black cat, the next one won't.
14. If you have just killed the giant alien monster, do not stick around to check if it’s truly dead: it isn't (unless you plan to do this "checking" with a full can of petrol and a fire match.)
15. Inviting spirits, ghosts in a seance or the Devil on Halloween is serious business best left to Satanists and demonic professionals. Whatever you do, don't ever try this at home.
16. No matter how kinky it sounds, don’t make love in a haunted house. It might be the last orgasm you will ever have!
17. On calendar dates linked with murderous anniversaries like Friday the 13nth - avoid booze, drugs, frat parties and thrill rides. Oh, and don't go swimming, either.
18. Remember, lifeless bodies, statues and objects which suddenly come to life are not scientific phenomenons. Run!
19. Transylvania and Area 51 are real places. Stay away.
20. And please, never buy any doll that has the name Chucky!