It was as I was looking at a pack of ribbed, glow-in-the-dark condoms in the supermarket last week that I discovered why it is that women rule the Earth.
Sure, Barack Obama and his male presidential brethren from around the world think that they run the joint, but they don't really. The condoms told me so. My lubricated friends told this little story which all starts when humans weren't even yet humans, but their distant ancestors were just starting to run on two feet instead of four.
It was around then that human sexual attraction evolved because of the need to keep both mother and father together to take care of human babies which are notoriously the most vulnerable and helpless young in the entire animal kingdom.
Without the protection of the stronger male (let's call him Adam after), the female (let's call her Eve) and offspring were easy pickings for whatever predator happened to be around. So Eve evolved to be sexually appealing the whole year round (instead of coming into heat once a year like other mammals), and Adam hung around her nonetheless. It stayed like this for a long time. Adam was getting a little slap and tickle; Eve was getting protection and baby (Junior) grew up happily. And then repeat from the top because as long as Adam was getting sex, Eve was having more Juniors.
It was the perfect arrangement. Until along came contraception and birth control (aha, my latex buddies come into the picture), together with, and part of, the movement towards women becoming the equals of men in the functioning of society. Which throws the entire thing out of balance because Eve no longer needs Adam to take care of her and having sex no longer produces Juniors.
So what happened was that, because sex was no longer primarily about reproduction, its role in relationships had to change. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that in modern relationships it seems that sexual attraction has become 99.9 percent of the law.
We can say what we like about people's minds and souls and how much we admire the girl next-door's arithmetic, but do we have time to care anymore? A stimulating conversation over a cup of tea and a biscuits in the morning is worthless when contrasted with great sex the night before. It's the way things are these days, because long-term relationships are no longer so important.
Which is exactly why women hold all the power. Because no matter what any man says, what every one of us really wants (even more than becoming a famous Movie star or playing Cricket for India) is a loving someone to hold us tight and take care of us and cook us an egg for breakfast in the morning.
Evolution decreed that every man will grow up knowing that he needs a partner because that's how the species stayed alive. But in the greater scheme of things women no longer need us. Of course they are genetically programmed to know that they should procreate, but for that they only need a little sperm which they can get from one night of passion without needing any commitment.
So Adam is left wondering how he can make it so that Eve will still want him. And there's the thing - it's all up to Eve. Suddenly Adam realises that if he's going to get Eve to like him, he's going to have to do what she says and dress like she wants him to and not burp in polite company. Before, it was the other way around, when men ruled the world and Eve had to do her best to attract Adam.
And that is what I learnt from those ribbed, glow-in-the-dark condoms in the supermarket: if I'm going to find someone to cook me an egg in the morning, I'm going to have to polish my shoes and….