Sunday, September 27, 2009

Bushisms : Hilarious DimWitted Wisdom of George W Bush

Listed below are some great tongue slippers from George Walker Bush - the former President of the great U.S of A during his history defining 8 year misrule. Its ironic to realize that in spite of being born with a golden spoon, educated at Yale and Harvard and hobnobbing with the best minds the presidency could buy, George Bush seemed to be so visibly poor in English, History, Georgraphy...well, almost everything!! Here are some of his most memorable mispronouncements (sourced from the Web, CNN, BBC and elsewhere).

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006
"They misunderestimated me."Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000
''I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right." Rome, 22 July, 2001
"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002
"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."Washington DC, 11 May, 2001
"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington DC, 5 August, 2004
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."Tokyo, 18 February, 2002
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself."Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003
"I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."Washington DC, 27 October, 2003
"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."Washington DC, 17 September, 2004
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006
"And they have no disregard for human life."—Describing the brutality of Afghan fighters, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." --Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." --Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000
"Reading is the basics for all learning."Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards."CNN, 30 August, 2000
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001

"You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
"I understand small business growth. I was one."New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."Reuters, 5 May, 2000
"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."Washington DC, 19 May, 2003
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." --at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs."Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000
"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."Washington DC, 10 April, 2002
"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."Washington DC, 2 May, 2007

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." --Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together. Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000
"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."Washington DC, 18 April, 2006
"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it."On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006
"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007
"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

"This thaw—took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw."—Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006
"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people."—Charlottesville, Va., July 4, 2008
"Amigo! Amigo!" George W. Bush, calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in Spanish at the G-8 Summit, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008
"Your eminence, you're looking good." --George W. Bush to Pope Benedict XVI, using the title for Catholic cardinals, rather than addressing him as "your holiness," Rome, June 13, 2008
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." -Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
"Do you have blacks, too?" --to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Clients, Wives and One Night Stands

Its Time to Nurture Clients as Family

Okay, let me tell you upfront that this is not a seedy take on extra-marital bang bangs but an allegory of client-agency relationships. As we move ever closer to the next frontier, there is no doubt that we are seeing a momentous alteration in the role of advertising and creative agencies. There are two key areas of change currently taking place. The first is, of course, the rising might of the New Media – read the power of the internet, social media, twitter, facebook, google, the eworks. The second and more understated, is the role ad agencies now play in developing a client's marketing and sales strategy and the growth of mature, continuing client relationships, like an enduring marriage.

The area of most spectacular change is, of course, New Media, as clients and agencies have become more adroit in using online advertising & electronic marketing as an effectual part of the overall marketing blend. Yet, many clients and many agencies are still not fully sentient of the opportunities available from marketing through the Internet and as time will surely tell, it will be much bigger and better than any of us can ever picture.

Lets now come back to our original reference of client and agency symbiosis. In the early days, agencies dealing with 'below the line' advertising or even conventional style advertising were driven by single one time projects or rather creative ‘one night stands’. Before and behind us stretched an apparently infinite set of very short term, tactical work, some of which might occasionally add up to something substantially larger and attractive, but still mostly one off projects. And customarily, the role of advertising agencies was to come up with the Big Idea first. Increasingly however, the spotlight now is to brainstorm, research, test and develop a longer term stratagem first. Once this is in place, the big ideas develop in tune with the strategy.

These long-term projects place greater importance on consumer research and the increased work put into client planning means that advertising & sales promotion activity has now become a much closer understanding of the consumer and the client needs. In turn, this has meant that strategic advertising and niche promotions have become more refined like a courtship, pregnant with unique dynamics that fit closely into the core offer of the targeted brand.

Many agencies fail to understand this and blame annoyed clients instead, reluctant to admit that something deep down in us still yearns for the good old one-time project days. We agency types just can’t kick the sales driven habit of running after those ‘one-night’ projects and as a result, our appearance at the client family table sometimes starts to look rather dubious. To continue the allegory, we may be pretending to eat, enjoying the food but apart, from that, our table manners still sometimes send out suspicious and wrong messages.

However, as caring wives, clients are increasingly enthusiastic to listen to what we have to say and welcome our participation as strategic advisers of the family. To improve that further still, we have to focus more on trust, building the business kindred links we have with our existing customers and ditch our ‘more orders, old sales’ unattached mentality. Unless we do that, the sound, valuable business advice and solid support we can give will go unheeded and a major opportunity to grow our business and industry will be mislaid.

We should not let that happen and break our client-centric families; the main reason because anyone who does continue to try to increase their business solely through new projects alone will find it more and more, difficult to grow. Clients are willing to work with us in new ways and the potential for significant growth and expansion is clearly still there. Perhaps, it's time to "say "adieu" to the one-off project and embrace clients as our newly wed wives. Shower them your love and they’ll love you back. After all, you are family.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Not So Secret Recipes For Employee Motivation

Recently, I was called to speak on “Employee Motivation” at a Business Luncheon organized by a Travel brand discussing ‘Innovation in Business’. Yes, the buzz term – “Innovation” is still very much in Business. The organizers wanted to know how my company with its little crew has been able to withstand the recessionary winds and continue sailing on while our bigger step brothers are almost on SOS rescue missions. Real innovation, hard work or sheer luck; what was our secret recipe? Maybe a mix of all but I would stress more on ‘Team Spirit’ of our small but extraordinarily motivated workforce.

As the advertising and creative industry moves into the next century, everything and nothing has changed for all those involved. And if this seems a rather incongruous statement, let us first mull over our parental ancestors - Adam and Eve. Way back before time began, Eve motivated and Adam succumbed to what could be described as the first incentive - the legendary apple.

I think this is where the root of the changes, or not, in our industry lie. Certain fundamentals of human behavior always remain the same irrespective of time, fashion and history. There will always be a need for people to be motivated and rewarded in their personal and professional lives. So while the foundations of our whole business remain intact, performance is always influenced by behavior. It is all about stimulus and enticement to create the 'best' from people, which of course ultimately impacts organizational culture, brand success and ultimately, bottom line.

The changes that companies will experience, and my company is no exception, are the pace and way that we work. With the advent of technology and science, the physical 'make up' of staff performance programmes has of course evolved. Back in the 70's when new companies formed and management mantra evolved, employees may have aspired to be awarded a Polaroid camera or a Beegees trilogy, whereas today the sky is really and literally the limit. In fact, there is this incentive company which arranges space rides aboard experimental spacecrafts and even jet fighters for a price for your star performers.

Now, new technology and new products develop at such a rate that the challenge is too keep one step ahead and explore just what really is cutting edge and what will actually inspire. This is certainly true of companies worldwide as they strive to keep one step ahead of global product development.

The advance in technology also reflects the way that people have developed. Employees have become far more empowered, and expect to make an active contribution to the management of the organization they work for. Not surprisingly, with their participation and dedication increasing, so does their need for incentive and reward. A staff performance programme must understand what actually drives individuals, as a change in approach is the key to influencing a shift in long term behavior. As for the ongoing debate in the industry as to whether cash, vouchers, merchandise or indeed travel are the most effective mechanisms for a performance based incentive scheme, I think they all play an dynamic part.

We are a ‘incentive middle-of-the-road neutral’ company and actually try hard to implement schemes that will not only encourage staff but make sure that they are equipped with the right skills to get the most out of their individual and therefore total performance. We also spend a great deal of time and investment in inspiring our own people to commit to our brand and culture. It is absolutely crucial for our success, just as it is for our clients, that as an organization we have to have a well-trained, motivated, strong and devoted workforce.

At our company, we believe that whether you use a trip to Dubai, a custom designed IPod or a tailored incentive voucher scheme to egg on your employees, the end result remains the same. It is about identifying exactly what will keep an individual motivated to 'practice' the values of the organization he/she works for. Based on this behavior, lifestyle and aspirations, you can tailor a motivation programme that covers every incentive tool or just one, but it must be part of a clear strategy that encourages employees to take accountability for enhancing their company brand.

Let’s take a branded retail outlet for instance. The manager, the cashier, the merchandiser and the accountant will all have very dissimilar demands of a synchronized business performance programme. So that is where the challenge lies. In tailoring a programme which 'speaks' to everyone individually and yet at the same time, can potentially make use of every motivational and incentive element available. The programme must also understand how each of these people plays a critical part in their company brand culture.

As to the future of employee motivation, the logistics are certainly shifting - 'e' gifts and online incentive schemes have grown and matured to sophisticated limits, travel has becomes more exploratory, and employee lifestyles these days are increasingly urbane. However the nucleus of any business, and of course the industry at large, is about motivating people to give their best performance - to build triumphant brands across the world.

So, by 2100, staff will probably want a trip to the Moon, reward points to stay at an underwater deep sea hotel, vouchers to buy longevity pills, etcetera but these would be still just merchandise used to induce and incentivize employees as part of a staff performance programme. And I think this is what makes the business of employee motivation so interesting - the fact that we would have changed dramatically and yet, since the world began, NOT at all. Eve perhaps, has a lot to answer for!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Teenaged Randy Misadventures

I have always been a passionate guy. Oh yes, don't laugh, I have! Read on for a bit of adolescent passion from my teenage days: Grrrrrrrr!

See what I mean? I bet you're all of a tremble now. I have this effect on women. When a girl sees me, she instantly recognizes that I am what one of them described as a "powerhouse of passion!" Later, when we had a row, she said she called me that because there was steam coming out of my ears, but never mind.

Now passionate guys like me have to come to a very important decision early in our lives. Do we spend the rest of our days stupidly chasing after women, ruining our constitutions, abandoning our pride and covering ourselves in embarrassment? Or do we have a quick neat surgical operation and then take up coin collecting instead?

In my case this was not a difficult decision. You see, I don't like coins. And so, my career as a full-time passionate lover began without hindrance. I was nine at the time and fell madly and passionately in love with Maya (who was eight and a half). I sat next to Maya in class. Boys did not normally sit next to girls. But my teacher had put me with the girls as a punishment which tells you more about my teacher than it does about me.

There was something totally devastating about Maya. Perhaps it was because she was the only girl in class who didn't wear a brace on her teeth. Perhaps it was the casual way she tucked her shirt, perhaps... So, with tender innocence, I passed her a note declaring my love. Sweetly, charmingly, she told me she hated the sight of me.

Well, I did my best to win her love. I scrubbed my knees in the bath. I stopped scratching. I stopped sniffing. My mother couldn't believe it. But it didn't work. Maya would not admit that she loved me. I begged and I pleaded. I exploded with brutal masculine anger. I grizzled. I even tried bribery - half my chocolate bar at break! But nothing worked.

Eventually I resorted to the one weapon remaining to a pre-teen lover. I twisted her arm. Then, in the throes of both emotional and physical agony, Maya admitted that she loved me. What a fantastic moment for a passionate guy. The girl of my dreams had agreed that she was mine. Fantastic! Of course, I immediately went right off her.

That incident belongs to the days when I was school boyish young, sexually inexperienced and sublimely happy.

Let us move forward five or six years, to days when I was still young, still sexually green, and going steadily out of my mind with frustration. It was then that I met Julie.

Julie taught me that it is not a sense of moral values that keeps a girl, on the straight and narrow. It is not religious scruples either or fear of pregnancy, or ambition to ' be the ‘ Virgin of the Month’ awardee, or anything like that. It is her parents. Yes, wherever Julie and I went and whatever we did, we always had, this sort of sneaking feeling that someone was looking over our shoulder. And we were right, it was usually her Dad or in lesser cases, her Mum. Now this sort of thing couldn't go on for long without one of us breaking down, as the art mistress said to the gardener.

Julie was a good girl, too good a daughter. She would not even consider deceiving her parents. So I did the considering for her and very grateful she was too. Our chance came when, by a magnificent stroke of luck, one of her relatives – a great, great grand uncle died!

Sorry, but you have to be honest about these things. Julie's parents (who were apparently close to the great departed uncle) were immediately stricken with grief. Then right after that they were stricken with the idea of snaffling some of the family heirlooms as he was a bachelor. So they packed a case, took along an extra one for the goodies and left for the funeral. Some 400 long kms away.

Julie was left alone in the house. Alone! For about 10 minutes. Then I got there. Whoopee! A night of love and passion stretched before us. Only. . . the trouble is, you see, I was brought up to be a nice honorable sort of chap. And Julie had been put on her honor to behave and so somehow, after a brief cuddle on the sofa, we both felt so guilty that anything carnally else was ruled out of the question.

So Julie made up a bed for me in the spare room, and then we went and sat in the kitchen together - she in her satiny nighty, me in her father's night suit. She drank her cocoa while I had Coffee. And we talked and then the door opened and her parents, Yes, her parents walked in. Their car had broken down 40 kms out.

All hell broke loose. Her father threw me out into the street. Neither parent believed me when I told them of our innocent intentions. They didn't believe me when I said I wasn't going to touch their daughter. They didn't believe me when I said I was going to spend the night in their spare room, and not creep along into Julie's room in the small hours. They just didn't believe me. I don't blame them. I didn't believe me, either.

It was at this juncture in my life that I decided to surrender my morals in favor of my basic passionate nature. No longer would I listen to the still small voice of my conscience, or even to the loud nagging voice of my mother. Instead, I would do what I wanted to do. I would obey the dictates of my mannish urge. I would sup deeply from the Cup Of Life! Bottoms up!

The first girl with whom I attempted to take a swig was with the flamboyant Sara. One rather chilly winter night, I had a phone call. I was sitting at home at the time, idly leafing through my copy of "Big Chests Monthly." (No, no, no, it's about antiques.). The phone call was from Sara and she wanted to know if I'd like to go swimming with her. There and then. That night. At midnight. I was about to say no, because the water was cold enough to give a brass monkey distinct cause for testicular concern. But then Sara went on . . .

"I know this guy who has his own heated pool, no one's using it tonight. We could be alone there and swim together. What do you say?" Well, I said. . . well, what do you think I said?

Let me cut quickly to the scene. There's me, in a little darkened room beside this impressive but deserted pool, ripping off my clothes with urgent haste, struggling with awkward buttons, in what can only be described as a lather of anticipation. Outside on the pool edge, I could hear Sara calling: "Hurry up! Aren't you ready yet? I'm ready!" And finally, so was I. I had cast off almost every vestige of clothing. Almost bare and unabashed, I leapt through the doorway with a Tarzan yell.

Suddenly, all the lights come on. The place was full of everyone I knew: Some were in the pool while the others were all mostly dressed (including Sara), holding drinks, and shouting: "Surprise! Gotcha!". I never spoke to Sara again. Well, would you? However, although these stories rightly portray me as a very second-rate Casanova, I would not like you to get the impression that I have never succeeded in winning a girl.

I’m not like my friend. He's hopeless. The closest he has got to a bird in bed was when the dude next door married. Yes, I've had my successes and one of them involved Dimple. Yet I cannot tell you about Dimple unless I also tell you about her best friend, Robin.

Dimple was the girl I fell for. Robin came with Dimple, like a job lot. Robin. .. I ask you! Is that a name, or a new sort of detergent?

I met Dimple on a beach resort. I was just sitting there, looking out to sea, and thinking about Life, and wondering if I could manage another drink, when all of a sudden there she was. She was standing with a crowd of others, but there was something about her that caught my eye. The thing about her was in fact her bikini top. She was putting it on and... well, have you ever tried to get a quart into a pint pot? Exactly.

I was on holiday, so had no time for the gradual decent dude approach. Indeed, there was hardly time for a straight chat-up job. So I didn't hesitate. I went straight up to Dimple, trod on her sunglasses and asked her for a date. Dimple smiled: "All right," she said. "But I'll have to bring my friend Robin."

Dimple proved to be as lovely as her first impression. In fact, both her first impressions. But Robin, well, she had all the sophistication and exotic charm of a cement mixer. She was dull, she was dim, she was dire. She was dreadful. She was the ultimate dead-head.

I should have blown both her and Dimple out. But I only had a week, and anyway Dimple had something extra that made her irresistible. It was easy to see. It stuck out a mile.

I hung on in there, taking them both out all week. On our last night I took the pair of them to a drive-in. I bided my time. And then, when I judged that, Robin was sufficiently engrossed in popcorn and how Harrison Ford saved the world, I held a secret conversation with Dimple. I'm ashamed to tell you what I arranged for us to do.Well. . . no I'm not.

I suggested to Dimple that she come to my room at 11 o'clock that night. And, after the statutory protests, Dimple agreed. Eleven o'clock came. I sat in the dark, trembling with anticipation. Would she come? The door opened quietly, and I saw her feminine shape slip into the room. I came to meet her and she folded into my arms.

She wore the flimsiest of dresses and her perfume filled the air. . . I don't think I'd better go on any more. Oh, I don't know – why not?

She felt smooth, exciting, wonderful. Her lips were soft and passionate, and when she kissed me it aroused a white-hot fire within my veins, and I pulled her to me and….. Sorry, my fingers are slipping on the typewriter keys. Believe me, it was a very, very passionate scene indeed. We were just about to pass the point of no return when there was a noise and the light went on.

The bright lights were blinding. Dimple stood in the doorway.

I was kissing Robin!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

45 Sure Fire Techniques to Get That Gal

She’s awesome, she's gorgeous. And single. One problem: she doesn't seem to know you Exist. Yet! Here’s how to make that spark happen the old fashioned way and get that girl.

[My last post on dumping expendable Girlfriends was a major hit. I am sure this one too will attract some bashing from my female readers.]

In Alphabetical Order

1. Accidentally-on-purpose happen to drop something in front of her as she passes by. If she’s a lady, she'll hand it in straight back to you. Cue: smile winningly as you gaze into her eyes and say thank you.

2. Alternatively, you could try being just dead friendly. Some women love to discover that not all guys are cheapos, and you could just be the one to prove it!

3. Ask her if you could taste your cherry lipstick. Yes, while she is actually wearing it.

4. Beg her home telephone number off a (discreet) mutual friend and somehow try to find the guts to call her. If you can't bear to ask her out, find a reason - any reason. Just make that call!

5. Casually mention that you often shop near her house. Then one day accidentally "appear" as she leaves the house. Bingo!

6. Challenge her to a race. Fall over her. Oops!

7. Check out who her buddies are and befriend them. You'll feel a trillion times more at ease around her if you're in a big group - and if her mates think you're cool, there's a darn good chance she will too.

8. Develop an interest in her fav band /sport/hobby. Even if you can’t stand it, at least don't sneer at it!

9. Ditch the Cricket finals and share the experience of watching a senti sitcom on TV - without once complaining - and she'll know she's met a soul mate.

10. Don't be afraid to disagree with her if you want to go. A guy with a brain and an opinion is one of the biggest turn-ons.

11. Drag her off to the local park for a lark on the swings and roundabouts. Childish, I know, but oh-so-much fun and oh-so-handy to show your hidden innocence.

12. Fake a car trouble and then impress her with your in-depth knowledge of the workings of a car engine and she'll think you're the Brain of the Country.

13. Fish out her ID and find out her star sign and learn all its characteristics by heart. Then you'll be able to appear uncannily perceptive about her personality next time you're in flirt mode. Instant bonding!

14. Find out which bus she gets to college or work, and conveniently position your self on the seat behind her every day for the next week. This girl would have to be blind not to notice you.

15. Flirt with her in secret. Catch her eye and hold her gaze, flash your perfect smile. Those private moments are just sooo sexy.

16. Forget that you fancy her. Wipe from your the mind the fact that she's the most gorgeous thing on two legs and you should be able to speak to her without going red, talking in a high-pitched voice are being sick.

17. Get a 'spare' ticket for the rock concert or the play (if she is the drama type) she's just been dying to see. Then mention that a friend 'tragically' dropped out at the last minute and the ticket's now going begging - how can she ever refuse?

18. Get her to learn in really close to you so she can give you her verdict on your new Gucci perfume. Proximity can be intoxicating.

19. Get some faith. If Brad Pitt managed to bag one of the sexiest women alive, why can't you? OK, you are not Brad Pitt but that's beside the point!

20. Get wet in the rain, look a bit shivery and borrow her jacket (a good way to cover up for the trembles!). Then you'll just have to pop round to her house or office to give it back, won't you?

21. If a Coldplay T-shirt seems to be permanently fixed to her bod, you don't have to be an Einstein to figure out who she listens to. Hey, what a perfect subject for conversation!

22. If she should ever happen to say you look cool, don't go into a three-hour monologue about fat, exercise and supermodels. Just thank her graciously and impress her with your calm self-assurance.

23. If she's the sensitive type, woo her with a romantic letter or poem. Or scribble down the best line from her fave song and stick it in her pocket when no-one's looking. Cute.

24. Ignore her. Well, not exactly, but being a bit aloof and enigmatic can actually work wonders.

25. Invite her over to your house for a candlelit nosh-up a deux. So what if you can’t cook? Dial a Domino or a Pizza Hut in!

26. It's a fact that friendly people attract others, so make sure you like you're enjoying yourself when she's around. And yes, it works better if you actually mean it.

27. Just 'happen' to stroll through the park when she’s taking her dog for a walk. Then, pick up a conversation and act as if you are the dog’s best friend.

28. Look trendy as often as possible when you know you might see her. No, I don't mean tart yourself up; just make sure your hair looks good, you don’t smell rotten, etc. Feeling confident will work wonders for your charm potential. And always carry a Rexona or an Axe roll-on!

29. Offer her a bite of a jammy doughnut. Then wipe an imaginary dribble from her chin, grazing at her lips. Super-sexy.

30. Really listen to her; pay close attention to the details, so you can stun her with the depth of your sensitivity to her innermost thoughts. She'll think you're tops.

31. Set up a marathon Spin-the-Bottle game. Get a trusty chum to rig it so the bottle always seems to be pointing at - quelle surprise! - You and her!

32. She’s got brown eyes? Tell her you love brown eyes. A freckly nose? You love them too. Curly hair? Your absolute favorite. And gosh, that sure makes her feel good.

33. Show great concern for the traumas in her life (failing an exam, a bad boss, a jealous friend, arguing with her dad, etc), and you might just end up becoming one of those people she confides in.

34. Smile mysteriously when you see her. She'll be intrigued to find out what you are grinning at and of course, you'll take your time telling her.

35. Suggest that she comes over so that you can revise together for your next history test. It' would not be the first time that hot romance blossomed over these finer details of the French Revolution!

36. Surround yourself with cooperative female chums. She’ll want to find out how come you've got so many 'admirers' and what it is they're attracted to.

37. Suss out her favorite chocolate, wrap one up and send it to her everyday for a week. She'll be so flattered she just won't be able to resist you.

38. Tease her: call her Helen of Troy and laugh at her silly walk. But be careful not to hurt that handle-with-extra care female ego!

39. Tell her jokingly that sleeping is your absolute favorite past time. She will probably be thrilled to discover that you have so much in common. Oops!

40. Tell her she looks just like someone familiar. Now what's her name? It's on the tip of your tongue. It's... it's... why yes; she does look spookily like??!

41. Tell her you're doing a survey, and 'interview' her with regard to her snogging and dating habits. Probe deeply, look dubious, and then tell her you may have to put some of her claims to the test!

42. Tell her you're feeling, a bit down cause you've got a crush on someone who doesn’t seem to be interested. She might just get the hint that it's her.

43. Throw a surprise party on her name and invite her and all her chums. Then play the perfect host and make a gooood impression.

44. When you're talking to her pause in mid-sentence to comment on the length of her eyelashes or the colour of her eyes in a gosh-I'd-never-noticed-before way, then go back to your conversation. Sheer bewitchment!

45. Women are vain creatures, so pay her a compliment or three but don’t go overboard.

All the Best! Amigos.. Tags:

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